The fall is such a beautiful time. I have always loved the colors, smells, and the cooling temperatures. This fall proves to be different. What I once loved now takes me to a place of pain. It was almost a year ago that we heard the words, "There is nothing more we can do for you." Ten short days later he took his last breath. The thoughts, feelings, and memories keep flooding my mind. It has almost been an entire year without him here with us. On one hand it's unimaginable to think we have lived here without him for that long. We have yearned for his presence. I've craved his touch, his wisdom, love, humor, his strength, and everything else in the middle. I've been a solo parent now for almost 365 days. I've had conversations and he doesn't answer back. I've cried at the thought of what he is missing, and what my children are missing because he is no longer here in the physical form. I've selfishly cried for myself and what I've lost. I'm grieving. I'm mourning. Then why am I happy? I've been given so much, I can't imagine not seeing the blessings I have right under my nose because my grief is too loud. Although my 'sad' is real and is with me every day, and in every minute of that day, I simply can't ignore what I still have here. I have some amazing memories of Rich and I. Cancer will not take those away from me. I didn't grow old with my husband, but i was blessed to grow up with him. Our story is a true love story. Not the kind you see on tv, but a real life love story. I fell in love with him at such a young age and dedicated all of me to loving him through thick and thin.  We loved each other hard. We love each other forever. I refuse to let his passing ruin me, and I'll spend my life helping my children to get through their pain as gracefully as possible. They are strong, beautiful beings. They are his legacy, and they make me proud each day. I know that their struggle will be like mine, a lifetime long. It's my prayer for them that they will figure out how to thrive because of who their dad was, because of who they are, and because of the amazing people in their life. My children are my heartbeat and I'm so grateful that they are healthy and thriving. I have the best family and friends imaginable. The love and support they give to me and my children is humbling, it's inspiring, and has had an amazing impact on my life. I have material things I need and a career I am in love with. My animals give me so much love, and I have a very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. I simply will not let cancer win. He won his fight, we need to win ours.

    Fast forward 14 months... Here I sit on the computer looking through pictures from the funeral and this popped up. I never published it, and its now been two years and two months(almost) since we have been without him. While I read the above I have noticed not too much has changed. My happy is still laced with sad. I am beyond grateful for my blessings and continue to carry a heart full of gratitude. However: I can't help but to wonder what our life would be like if he were here with us.

 

Happy Easter

March was not my favorite month. Why it was so emotional for me, I am not sure. Maybe because a lot of the shock is wearing off? Maybe it is because the longer we go without him the more we miss him? Maybe it was because I took off my armor.. Either way, this man of mine is missed beyond words. I know that in this life we will all experience loss, as we are all here and we will all leave. It is part of the plan. I pray that this loss will make my children and  I stronger, inspiring, more giving and serving, but at the end of the day no matter what comes from this loss I would rather we be the simple us, with him! He was so funny, could be such a punk, moody, kind, hard working, goofy, inappropriate, insightful, spiritual, generous, and an amazing daddy to our children. As much as I miss all of him I think I miss him more for our kid's. I can't imagine being a child and losing my dad. This has forever changed their lives and it breaks my heart for them. I remember feeling so sad when my parents got divorced, and it took me a long time to 'get over it' and be ok again. It was hard on me and my dad was still there for me to call and see. It was just a divorce. I saw both parents all the time, and wasn't exposed to hate, or custody battles, or anything. I will never pretend to know what their pain is like, but I will forever try to lesson the pain and help them endure. Rich wanted to be here for them, and to watch them succeed, and to be here when they fall. He never wanted to be the reason for tears on  pillow, or an ache in their heart. They were his entire world. He was so very proud of them, I know he still is, and always will be.

Happy twenty years, love.

 Twenty years ago today Rich and I embarked on quite the journey. We eloped. I remember it like it was yesterday....

 Rich and I had gotten engaged when I was in high school. He had graduated and joined the Navy. He proposed Christmas Eve. I waited for him to return. We didn't set a date. Two years was a long time of not being together ((even though he flew home every couple of months, even for my high school dances)) and we wanted to take our time adjusting, etc. Then on April 1st ((yes, April fools day)) he asked me to marry him all over again. We had been in a fight, I even broke up with him... If you know Rich you will know that he doesn't stop until he get's what he wants. My family was gone camping for Easter and I was home alone. After he asked me to marry him he told me that we were all set. We had everything we needed... like an alarm clock, a bed, a TV, and a car. We loved each other and it was time........so we both worked our swing shift at work, and headed out about midnight. We drove to Elko, Nevada. The next morning, April 2nd, 1994 we were married. One of the happiest days of my entire life. It was just the two of us... after we were married we went back to the hotel room to.......... watch the big game. It was March madness! I have always known my place, ha-ha. :) I remember trying to take 'cute' ring photo's, and other pictures too. I need to find those. That evening we went gambling for the first time ever. I was 19, he was 21. I was so afraid of getting 'busted' that I stuck out like a sore thumb. I even leaned up against the button that turns the light on top of the slot machine, letting the workers know you need something. This guy came over and asked me what I needed... I was so nervous. After I told him I didn't need anything he said, "Please move off the button then." He then turned it off. Ha-ha. We were so young and naïve! BUT we had everything we needed... I mean that 13 inch TV and alarm clock should have held us for awhile.
  I will skip all the details but my mom was ticked! My dad brought out the wine, and his mom offered a surprised congrats. We lived with my mama for 3 weeks ((turns out we did need a few more things, like a place to live... details!)) We then rented in Roy for 3 months before buying the house RIGHT ACROSS the street from my mom. We did end up having an open house to celebrate 'us' with our family. I wouldn't change it for the world. I really need to find all those pictures!


      I know I married this man twice, but tomorrow is my anniversary. Twenty years ago I became Mrs. Thompson. It almost seems like a life time ago... driving in the night, heading to the courthouse. I would change a few things, but never would I have changed marrying this man, on this day. I love you Richard Blake, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

   We have two more anniversaries.. ;) May 30th we were sealed and September 5th we were re-married. I celebrate them all. Heck, we still celebrated our January 12th high school anniversary. It's a love thing!!

Just keep climbing...

  It's Friday morning, March 14th.

The house is quiet, Av is at school and Kman is sleeping. I have plenty to do, but I have so many emotions and thoughts as of late, so I thought I would get some out here, and then shower and attack some of my 'to do' list.

 Life without Rich is hard. I learned a long time ago, through our journey together that I didn't NEED Rich in my life. I learned that I could stand on my own two feet, and be OK. Even happy. However, I also found that no matter what I did or where I went I always 'wanted' him. I have loved him since I was a baby, almost. 14 is considered baby, right?  I am grateful for our past experiences. I needed to learn that I didn't need him in my life. I believe it is a much higher honor and love to want someone, knowing you don't need them. Had I not learned this lesson early on I don't think I could have handled his death the way I have. With that said, I still want him. I hate that our time on earth as a family has ended. He is missed every single day, and will be until I reunite with him.

  Going to my counselor I have learned that I am strong enough to not care about what other people think of me, but that I care a great deal about how other's feel. Not how they feel about me, just feel in general. I am very guarded with my emotions because I don't want you to feel sorrow for me. I hide my tears from the children because I don't want to make them sad that I am sad, or to remind them in that moment that we are without their dad. In doing this, I get a long well. I fight through the hard and stay as positive as I can. I keep climbing. When my heart hurts the most is when I think and feel for others. It breaks my heart in a million pieces to imagine the pain my children will endure the rest of their lives. Too young to lose a dad. They were not given a very long time with the man that will love them more than any other man down here. Keaton grew up loving the 'cop' life. He has been exposed to it since birth, and loves it I think as much as his dad. He loves it so much that maybe even without his dad inspiring him, he would still have the desire to become a cop. He is at the age now that he would LOVE to pick his dad's brain about it, go on ride a longs, etc. He is only 18, he is the spitting image of his father, attitude, humor, etc. I hate that their time together is over. . it had only just begun.
Averi was/is daddies little girl. I can relate. I can still relate. 11. She is only 11. Not enough time. He never got to chase the boys away, walk her down the isle, I could go on and on about the things that they are missing out on. It breaks my heart. Another thing that tears my heart in two, is the fact that his time is over. He wasn't finished. He is missing out on so much. They are his world, his pride and joy. His two amazing things he did 'right' and he didn't want it to be over this soon. He loved going to all of their sporting events, and I feel a little sad every time we go, without him.  He wanted to see them both graduate, get married, have babies, and have his own naked room! I just pray it is amazing where he is, and that he is happy. My kid's and I try hard every day to be happy and to see all of the good we have, I hope Rich is doing the same. I think we forget that the person that leaves, leaves everyone. He get's to miss his mama, siblings, us, friends, etc. I just hope the gain is worth it all. I can't imagine him being sad.  Anyway...

Life around here has been busy. We are starting to get back to every day life. Kman is looking for a second job, as his job doesn't offer enough hours needed to pay his bills and spread his wings and fly. He is enrolling back into school to finish that up. He hopes to do some ride alongs with some of Richs' friends. He had one a few weeks ago, and LOVED it. Where he wants to be a cop changes, but I believe it will happen one day. Even though he isn't doing it 'in honor' of his dad, he is doing it because of his dad, I believe. Rich loved being a cop, and was a good example of that to his son.
Av is back at it with her comp soccer team, piano, and now voice lessons. Soccer and voice are all therapeutic, and I don't care if she does nothing with it, ever. I just hope it helps her with confidence and shows her a good time. Piano is something that she doesn't lOVE but she likes it, and really wants to just play great, now. (haha) We also have therapy once a week to help us thrive in our situation, and a few times a month group therapy. She made a sweet friend there, that lost her mom. Hopefully that will be good for them. I don't know how to help my children to grieve with their loss, but I will continue doing my best.

I still am very low on energy, and often times after teaching and 'doing' for the kiddos I am done. :) I can't wait to take off the bra, put on the pj's, and lay in bed and watch my shows! I push myself further than that now, so that's good. I don't do much with friends... but I have made many new friends actually, and they have been very sweet and supportive. I appreciate them all. I have made a few changes to my house, retail therapy I suppose. I am trying to be smart about the therapy. Had mold issues in my bathroom so it is getting a make over. I still haven't had to buy pet food, laundry detergent, toilet paper, pasta, meat, etc.. since Christmas. We were soo spoiled!!


In two days it will have been 20 weeks since he found his forever peace and left his cancer stricken body and went to be with Heavenly father, and those before him. We miss him more today then yesterday, but we are strong. Together we are doing well. We will keep climbing.

Happy Birthday Blake!

 Nothing like ripping the band aid off quickly. Since my husbands death (3.5 mo) we have experienced Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years, our childhood anniversary of 24 years, and his birthday all without him. I think New Years has been the hardest. I was very much dreading his birthday. I think it was because it was HIS day. A celebration of T-Bone! I have never had to celebrate his life, without him. I grabbed the bull by the horns and... went on a getaway to Midway with a super sweet friend, one that is proving to have my back in all things. She not only let her daughter miss school, but she called 'in' at work so I would have someone to share my day with. Keaton chose not to go, that kid double books his life away because he forgets everything. (love you Keat) Shona picked me up at noon and we went to lunch, then to Park City for retail therapy. Then we drove into Midway, our hotel was gorgeous. We enjoyed swimming, hot tubing, room service, and I had about an hour soak in the jetted tub. (bliss) The next morning we checked out the crater, had lunch, went ice skating and loved the ice castles. We made it home in just enough time to get Richard B some balloons and visit the grave for a bit. It was a pretty good day. Once we got home.... the sad found it's way in. But... it was suppose to.


 I think my children and I are doing well. We struggle, but I am so grateful that we can see the good all around us. We miss him, but I am forever happy to have had him for the time that I did. Happy Birthday Richard Blake. I love you. <3

Dedicated to BECKY ANDERSON

  Some people just have what it takes to make you believe, in case you ever had any question. Let me share a little story. A few years ago, before my husbands diagnosis we went to a baptism. A lady

spoke that day that left Rich and I in complete 'awe'. I can't really even tell you what she said, but I can tell you how we both felt when we left. You see, this was a rare experience for us, because we both 'claim' to having a hard time feeling the spirit. Funny thing is, when one did, the other one usually did as well. This day was no exception. However; Rich was touched on a deeper level, one that I didn't fully understand. I don't know if he understood it either. We didn't see her again... until...

   So fast forwarding to Rich's cancer journey. I have mentioned how amazing the organization is, Anything For A Friend, you remember? If not, scroll back, they aren't to be forgotten. Anyway, a bunch of volunteers were meeting (again) at Kae's house, and we were asked to attend. We both had wanted to in the past but his health and my anxieties had stopped us both. It is hard to explain what it feels like to be on the receiving end of something so huge. This was the first meeting we had attended, and Becky was there. When Rich saw her, and realized she was the reason this entire fundraiser was able to take place, and placed her back at the baptism those few years back, he was... over come with emotion. I had to leave early, because Averi was sick and I needed to get her into the doctor. Apparently I missed out on a very inspiring, and heart felt message given by Becky that evening, and given by my amazing husband. He told everyone how his path had actually crossed hers once before, and how inspired he had been. In fact when he began telling the story she had no idea it was about her, I mean why would she? We hadn't even met her, but yet she left him with these super strong feelings that he couldn't explain.  These two have a connection, one I can't even begin to explain, as I myself don't really understand. I love hearing about it from Becky, because I have already heard it from Rich, and I LOVE knowing that they both felt it. I believe they were friends on the other side, and their paths were meant to cross. She was able to lift him when he was down, inspire him when he needed it, and give him faith just by looking into her eyes. Rich and I have a few people we refer to as 'spiritual giants', and Becky being one of them. When I grow up, I would LOVE to be just like her!

  Becky has her very own personal cancer journey, and she endured so much. She shares her story, and inspires. She builds people up, she comforts them, she can light up a room with her smile. She has a HUGE giving heart, and is truly a spiritual giant, an inspiration, and proudly I can call her my friend. I feel very blessed that she came into our lives, and she blessed my husband with so much. I will never really know all he got from her, and her him. I do know that Heavenly Father does have a plan, and that meeting was not by accident.

   Becky came by to see Rich on Wednesday, four days before he passed away. She gave him his hope back, and he had purpose again. See, he had gone on Hospice the previous week and it didn't sit well with him, at all. He wasn't here to accept 'comfort care' because he wasn't finished fighting his fight. He.Had.More. She called her doctor and had him an appointment with her oncologist for the coming Monday, October 28th. We were meeting there ((and Ann, Tyler Smiths mama was going to come with us as well)) She read a few scriptures with us, they shared some herbal tea, and she gave us all 'stress' rocks to help with all we were facing. Rich went off hospice the very next day. I read the email he sent to her that day... I AM OFF HOSPICE, NOW WHAT? It felt so good to him to take his control back. That Thursday was a jam packed day, visitors galore.

  I didn't see it coming. I was blinded. How could I have been so blinded? I watched him become a shell of what he once was. I saw his bones. Hip sockets. Tubes. Swollen feet. Extended belly. I didn't see it coming, not this soon. Not Sunday.

  I don't know who told Becky... Was it me? So many things have become a blurr. I asked her to speak at his funeral, and I will be FOREVER grateful that I did, and that she did. Wow.

  Last night a friend of mine invited me to her relief society meeting... BECKY was the speaker. I was super excited to go. I knew she would have something that I needed to hear. Although I haven't been to an actual church in quite sometime, and although I have never felt super comfortable when I do attend, I miss it. I knew it would be hard going to an unfamiliar ward, and with a super sweet friend, but one that I am still getting to know, and assuming emotions would be on my sleeve, oh and let us not forget to take into account that I do suffer from some awesome social anxieties, I HAPPILY WENT! I loved being there. Not only was Sommer so much fun to be with, and get to know more, but Becky brought her usual awesome, uplifting, spiritual self. :) I learned things about her that broke my heart, and I was

inspired even more. I learned some things yesterday being with her, that I needed to learn. She did that for me. Sommer did that for me. Maybe Rich even did that for me. I am blessed beyond measure with angels all around me. I have them from both sides of the veil, and I will build myself back up again. I will be better, and do better.

  I would like to also add that although my support group is amazingly HUGE, I find it difficult to be real with actual 'current' emotion with others. I can 'tell' you what I felt yesterday, last week, or even this morning, but I am not really able to lean on someone, in that moment, feel vulnerable with them, cry with them, and just be.  Becky, I am more 'moment real' with you ((for some reason)) than I have been with anyone, in a really long time. I know that from the tears rolling down my cheek during our conversation. I haven't done that with anyone since he left me almost 11 weeks ago, and not very many times before that, So thank you!

 

   Becky, thank you for loving Rich, and for all of the amazing work you do here on this earth. Please know that I want to help you with your organization in anyway you need. Thank you for all you have given to me, my children, and my entire family. I don't think you  have even a tiny idea of what you do for others. Now take a little time to sit at the feet, your dishes will be there when you are done. I love you!!   

1/6/14

 

Today marks the first 'real' day back to a routine since the loss of my hubby. Although my son and I have been back to work, my daughter hasn't resumed back to her schedule until now. She has tried a few days, but I think today will be the day. She was nervous all night, and didn't sleep too much. This morning she got right up, didn't complain of any bellyaches, or fears. I hope she was excited to go be with her friends. Her school (the staff, parents, and kids) has been super supportive. More than I would have even imagined. I am very grateful for them, and have been since her transfer in third grade. I will be sad when she has to leave, as we just found out that they won't be having a 7th and 8th grade. :(  This week she will also go back to piano... I think she could have gone back to that awhile ago, but I haven't had the desire to drive her. Reality hits hard this week, with routine, homework, and the 'must get it done' things. I hope it is a good thing, for us all.

  We begin some counseling this week, and some group sessions next week. It isn't easy going forward after someone so important to you leaves, and I am hoping to give us all some ways of dealing with it the very best we can.

  I have been feeling a little more anxious lately, with my social anxieties. I am not sure why, but I did initiate a friend lunch today. :) I am going to try my very best to 'get out' of my comfort zone, and push myself, but I am also 100% ok with my 'home body' lazy days. I look forward to them a little too much, so going out is great too!

  It hasn't even been an hour that she has been at school.... I miss her! She drives me bonkers sometimes, but she has been my sidekick over the last ten weeks and I will feel the change for sure. We spend almost every second together, she still sleeps with me, on daddy's side of the bed & she is my 'date' if we leave the house. Maybe I could go wake up my teen.... haha! That could get ugly, since it's not even noon yet! Keat has been a comfort most of the time, and makes me proud. He hasn't had a lot of motivation either, but he is getting better. He has been working a lot more, and he likes to keep busy with his friends. We get comfort by talking about his dad, but I know it is a 'bitter sweet'. Sometimes he just wants to sit down and talk with dad. We all do! They enjoy all the same sport teams, and the Seahawks are doing great right now. We hate that he isn't here to cheer them on, and talk 'hawk talk' with Keaton.

  Well, I am done blogging for today. I hope that on this first Monday of the New Year that you are all able to find your 'happy' or your 'blessings'. Today really is a gift. Like it or not, unwrap it carefully and be grateful for it, as someone else gave all they had to be able to have this day but it was taken from them. We can fight the funk together!!