HaPpY NeW YeAr!

  I am THRILLED to say GOODBYE to the year 2012. Although, I have made many happy memories and learned several valuable lessons I am holding on to the hope that 2013 will be better for me, and for my little family. At the least I pray it will not be worse, because I KNOW that no matter what your struggles are they can always be worse.

   January 4th, 2012 there was a shooting in Ogden, leaving several officers injured, and one lost his life. People were changed. Lives were changed. The community rallied together and the support was incredible. I know that the support helped all of them involved, but nothing will ever bring Jared back. Nothing will erase those images from those officers minds. My prayer for them and their families is that they are stronger and wiser because of it. That it is easier to keep their priorities straight, and that they will return safely to their families after every shift. Erin and her girls are in my nightly prayers, and I hope that they can still feel the love and support of the community, family, and friends. My hope for them is that the year 2013 will be incredible! There have been so many other shootings, all across the states. I can't imagine being so broken that killing others would even be thought of. So many lives have been affected by these selfish acts. The world is becoming scary. I try to focus on all the positives and good people. We must rally together. We must be strong in numbers. We must not let these people continue to do these horrible acts. In 2013 my hope and prayer is that the good people will be armed when going out, and be able to keep themselves (and others) safe. I pray for stricter laws, and for RESPECT for the officers working the beat so we can be safe.

  We also got the cancer diagnosis this year. It has brought so many good and bad experiences. You almost hate to wish it away because of all the good that has came from it, but I would. I would take this away from my hub in a second if I could. It has been hard. Although, I love the attitude and faith that we have. I can't imagine going through this experience without believing in Heavenly Father, without having hope and faith, and without having such a wonderful support group. We can do hard things, even if we don't want to.

  In 2012 my boys got to go See the Seattle Seahawk Football team play. We went to an amazing cabin, had a fun Wendover trip with my mom, was able to see my BFF/SIL more this year than I have in years! We also got to see Ann (SIL) and her entire family for Christmas. Mike and Kori moved back, Rich got a bunch of sport team gifts, we got a game room, Keaton got a job, Averi turned double digits, painting can be my therapy, so both kids got painted rooms and so did my kitchen. Averi and I went to Carrie Underwood. All the cousins went to the zoo! Met many wonderful nurses at Huntsman. My dad, Averi, and Brilee all ran a 5k together! We had a HUGE party/fundraiser in honor of my hub, we got an adorable lab puppy, but we also lost a guinea pig, cat, and Bo, our family dog. He was part human. We miss them all.  This year came with many ups and downs. We have bruises. But we have found so much strength, and have become close as a family. We have found out who our true friends are, and hold them very close to our hearts. This world is what you make it. It is all in your attitude. So although I pray for health, and a better year, I am wise enough to know that whatever gets tossed our way we will handle, and work through it together as a team. Together people can move mountains. They can conquer obstacles. Even cancer.

  

So as I raise my glass of eggnog I say this. Goodbye 2012. You have taught me many lessons. You have proved to me that I am stronger than I thought I was. You also taught me that life is hard, but it is good if you have good people in it. Dusting off our pants. Counting our blessings, and wishing you and yours a very HAPPY New Year! ((You also taught me just hours ago that when walking down the stairs you should hold on the the rail, or have ice packs on hand. . )) We hope to celebrate many more birthdays, enjoy love from our animals, and maybe convince my dad to run another 5k!

Welcome 2013. Please be good, to all those good. Be gentle in your teachings and remember we all love tender mercies. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The show Parenthood

 I just have to say that I love the show Parenthood, any of you watch it? I was super excited for the new series to begin, and when it did I was so sad that they had added cancer to it. I look forward to my TV shows, where I am able to zone out and think about nothing but what's going on on the show. It took a portion of my reality and put it on my favorite show. I thought I was going to stop watching, but I couldn't do it. I love that show! I have faithfully watched every week and have to say that it is pretty accurate to the truth. Usually I watch it with a lump in my throat, or tears rolling down my face, but it is a good feeling. Therapeutic maybe. Tears don't escape very often, so maybe it is good for me, to release a little bit once a week. :) Odd that I am blogging about this show, but I just wanted to do it. If you don't watch it, try it on for size. It comes on every Tuesday evening at 9. There is something for everyone on that show! They didn't even pay me to say this stuff, but they should, maybe! :)

To search for answers, or not to search for answers

  I was just thinking about how we all react differently to the words, "YOU HAVE CANCER." (Or she/he has cancer) Although I do NOT like hearing about cancer statistics, I do think that educating yourself about the cancer that has invaded your body (or the body of someone you love) is important. I am glad this world takes many type's of people. Knowledge really can be power, but it can also be scary as heck. In the beginning we researched nothing. We stayed away from 'google' for sure! I have searched a few things, as well as Rich. We mainly trusted his doctors and followed their words. Luckily, we have had some friends/family that were very pro~active and did do some research and offered some extra insight. When I would try to get onto cancer websites my anxieties would get a bit out of control. Although I wish I could be better about being more informed I have chosen to be the best wife I can be, and if I spend my time 'researching' this disease online, etc. I will not be able to be a functioning wife, mom, preschool teacher, etc. Whether that sounds crazy, or normal, it's real. It is my reality. One day Rich asked me why I would be willing to research a behavior I had with one of my preschoolers but not willing to research his disease. That made me feel bad, even though I am certain that wasn't his intent. It made me feel like maybe he didn't 'get it' or maybe that he felt less important. Rich has always been a top priority in my life, since I was the ripe old age of 14! Things for us haven't always been easy, but he has always been the love of my life and a top priority. I hope that he does actually understand the lack of 'research' I do regarding his cancer. I hope that he does see all that I do each day to try to make his days a little easier to endure.

   A friend of mine told me that when her grandma was diagnosed with cancer they all spent a ton of her remaining time in this world researching and learning about cancer. Basically, they ate, slept, drank, etc. cancer everday, all day. Although I want to be well informed I am grateful that our days are not catered around this awful disease more than it should be. He is a husband, father, son, uncle, brother, police officer, and a cancer fighter! However: He is NOT a professional singer! ( as he lays up in bed right now, singing a tune that only a mother would love.)

Scan results

   Well, today was the day. Rich, his mom, and I left about 10am to go to Huntsman to get the scan results. We all had mixed emotions. My husband is so positive that his hopes are set very high. He was beyond hoping and praying for a clean scan. Of course I want that too, but my prayers were focused on shrinking and improving. It is hard to wait on the Lords time. When the doctor came in, he went over a million things before reviewing the scan results. I wanted to shake him and say, " YADA YADA, get to the RESULTS!" I didn't though, I behaved. The scan showed cancer still in his liver and in his pancreas. BUT, they have both shrunk since the last scan! :) I wanted to scream and shout with excitement. Although WE both really wanted it to be GONE, I took this as the win it was, and was ready to partyyy! My husband on the other hand was very grateful that his body was responding, but disappointed that it was still inside him. He wants so badly to return to work, forget chemo, and live like he once did. I can't imagine his pain and frustration. The ride home was quite, I didn't want to show my happy dance since he was having mixed emotions. We came home and just went back to life as we know it. Errands, house work, he took a nap, etc. But inside me, was a little party for him. I am happy that his body has responded so well to chemo. His markers began in the 6,000 area and are now at 400. No arteries are clogged, no more blood clots. He is healing. Slowly, but he is healing. I know that cancer can do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, but today I am HaPpY! <3 I am proud of his determination, and the FIGHT he has in him.

F2TF  FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

Scan Results

   After Rich had 3 chemo treatments he went in for a body scan. The following week he was able to get the results. I had so much anxiety in me that I bailed. I didn't go with him. That was the first thing I had missed. I felt so bad, but I knew I would only make things harder on Rich and I needed to be a support for him, not a worry. His mom went with him. I was so worried they would give him a time limit, or say things that would upset me. I was positive but my anxieties took over. It was hard being at home and not being with him. I am so grateful he has such a wonderful mom. She will stop anything to be there for him, and for us. The results were not amazing, but they were really good. The cancer had stopped growing and shrunk a tiny bit. :) :) It was a win!



Rich getting chemo #11





Wating at Huntsman for Rich to get his scan!



    Rich then had I believe 6 treatments & a scan. I was filled with hope and faith and was able to be there for him. I wasn't really even worried, I KNEW it would be good. And it was! His tumor was once the size of a baseball, and now was a bit smaller than a golf ball! His liver looked a TON better as well, and no more blood clot! I wanted to dance and kiss the Dr! Prayers were being answered and this nasty chemo was killing the tumor! They told us that only 30% of pancreatic cancer patients respond to chemo treatment. WOW! Glad that was something we found out after knowing he was in the 30%. I really do hate statistics. They told us that he should be hAPpY with the results. I was! Rich on the other hand was frustrated a little. Even knowing how wonderful this news really was, he just wanted to be cancer free, go back to work, kiss chemo goodbye, and pay it forward. He really misses working. They told us to plan on 3 more rounds of chemo, and then another scan. Most likely he will have a break after the 12th chemo session. They did tell us that during that break it will most likely grow again, but they have many other options to shrink it.

   Last Tuesday, a week and a half ago, he completed his 12th chemo. It was a hard week of healing, but not as hard as chemo 11. So that was good! We went in for his scan yesterday, and we will get the results Monday, November 19th. Praying all is great again, and the cancer will be GONE! GONE! GONE!

   We both had a different experience being at Huntsman yesterday. While he was getting his port accessed he heard a convo that was heartbreaking. Someone had gotten results from his scan and the cancer had spread. He had 2 months (or so) left to live. He had young kids. Just so sad! While I was waiting for him to get his scan I overheard a man on the phone telling someone that he had advanced stages of Pancreatic Cancer and was given about 7 months to live, without chemo, and about doubled with chemo. It was awful!  No one is exempt from this evil disease. It could happen to anyone. So many survival stories. So many sad stories. I just choose to take each day as it comes, and be grateful for the time we have together. Rich and I plan on growing OLD together, and we are not old yet. But, I realize we don't get to choose. None of us do. Susan was telling me about her Secretary and how she just lost her husband in an airplane crash 2 days ago, father of 6. All of us are living the same kind of fate. If you are healthy, value that. It is a gift! Make time for family and friends. Give people mercy, you never know what battle they are fighting through. I just love. I love you all and thank you for helping our journey through a hard time, a little easier. I will keep you posted on our results, I believe it will be great news and he will be back to work for the new year! <3

Life Is Hard

So, as I sit here typing this blog my hubby is sleeping upstairs. He is sleeping off chemo #12. It has been a difficult experience for sure. Watching the man you love fight off such a terrible disease is hard. It taught me that life is hard. I never understood that short sentence until the last six months. I have gone through hard times, but life is what you make it. If you can have a positive attitude it will help you soo much. Although things had been hard before I always thought that  life isn't that hard, it's all in the attitude. I think differently now... just a little bit. I still truly believe that life is what you make it. You are in charge of how you react to what life hands you. Keeping a positive attitude can change your life. However, I do now understand that LIFE IS HARD! Even though I love life and treasure it. Even though I see my blessings and am grateful for them all, everyday. Even though things could be SOOO much worse, even with all of that... LIFE. IS. HARD.

We found out Rich had cancer May 3rd. About a month later we lost our dog, Bo. We LOVED that dog SOOO much. We were heart broken. Rich was too sick & weak to take him to the vet, so I did. We had to have him put down. We were already having such a hard time and this really took us over the top. LIFE.IS.HARD Within the next two months we also lost a cat & a guinea pig. LIFE.IS.HARD. We stayed strong! We stayed positve. We still had more blessing than not, so we kept on keeping on. :)

Even though I say life is hard, I am not saying it isn't good, or that it isn't a blessing in itself. I just mean that it is hard for so many people. I have been fighting off some anxiety issues and even got put on some medicine to help. I think it has. I have also done a few other things to help me. I painted my kitchen, with the help of Heather Bear & Angie. Sounds so simple but it really did help me. It was a distraction. Sometimes we need a little distraction, nothing wrong with that. Another thing I did was I got a pUpPy. Crazy~ I know! I already have a cute dog that is CrAzY and into everything. He is super strong and I have lost all control of that mutt. I even tried finding him a new home after Richs' diagnosis. I was so overwhelmed and he kept breaking the fence and getting out. Rich was unable to help and I felt awful that the neighbor was doing most of the fence fixing. My plate was so full that I thought finding him a new home was the answer. He was gone for a LONG 12 hours and they brought him back, haha. It worked out for the best because he belongs here! Anyway~ Yes I got me a new puppy. I called her my new happy! I am excited to say that she was the distraction this family needed. (or at least what I needed) It helped Averi and I to focus on something that wasn't cancer related. It got us outside into the fresh air and kept me out of bed. Her name is Layla, and she is still my happy.

Meet Layla Bee

Her first day with us, at Walmart buying her all her stuff!

AWE! Adorable!



Zeus, so glad he came back! We love our Zoopy! Furry friends love us no matter what!



I guess I found my hApPy in many things! Again, it really has been a choice. When you get dealt hard things you can react in so many ways. The situation is what it is, so you might as well go through the experience the best way you can. Like I have said, my entire family has been very postitve. We have had so much faith. No one thinks this is the end for my hubby, we truly believe this is another climb to make us who we are suppose to be. With that said, don't get me wrong, I struggle. Although I am happy, and LOVE my life & family I struggle. Often I don't have the desire to do everyday chores, like clean, cook, laundry, etc. It's like I can't wait to get my MUST Do's finished so I can go lay in bed with Rich or zone out and watch tv. I am getting better now... thankfully. Some say it may be depression, but I don't feel depressed. I know stress can do a number on one's body & although I don't feel a lot of stress I know it is there. My body is different. More aches, etc. But that's ok. Hard to complain when you see your husband to sick to even get out of bed. :(  I think the hardest parts of this experience is holding Averi when she cries out of empathy for dad. Watching Rich get so sick. Not knowing what is to come. Luckily we have eachother to lean on (even though we are iron tough and don't lean too much on eachother emotionally) & all of our haPpY blessings to keep us focused and well. And again, we have all of our amazing extended family and friends to help us as well. Although~ For some reason through this I haven't really shared much with my friends or family. Usually, in the past, I would call a girlfriend and vent and then I would feel so much better. All would be well with the world again. This experience is different. I know Rich (in the begining) really wanted me to talk to a conselor, just to help me sort out the emotions etc. I didn't want to. I feel like talking won't help, it won't change anything and it won't make me feel better. It is what it is, no one can change that. I found my relief (my outlet) to be playing with Layla, painting my kitchen, following the fundraisers friends/family did, laying in bed with him, spending time with my kids, watching tv, and just doing rather than talking. Even if 'doing' meant playing on FB from my bed. It is what worked for me. So if you are a friend/family member and you feel like I didn't open up with you please don't take it personal. If you offered to be there for me, it mattered. So thankyou! I valued family time before cancer and didn't think I could value it more. I was wrong. If you need me, I will be with my family... come on over!



I love you forever!





Just chilling in bed together!

Relaxing with family, in the gardern!

People are good!

Another thing that was beyond therapeutic, and supportive was being asked to a BBQ that his friends have every year. It is a BBQ cook off, and let me tell ya, they take it pretty darn serious. So many friends were there, and Rich was healthy enough to go. It was such a fun time! We stayed for hours. He got to see a lot of his friends from the police  department & their families. They were all so supportive, and cared about what he was going through. They basically rolled out the red carpet. His good friend John gave a little speech, and included some pretty amazing and inspiring words about Rich. John won the BBQ cook off and donated his winnings to Rich. He also passed around a bucket asking others to donate as well. It was suppose to be for our family to go do something FUN, not for bills. Up until this point Rich had held it together. In fact, I don't think he had shed a tear. When we left he was on such a high and felt so loved and supported. Like Rich said, it wasn't about how much money was inside that bucket, it was about the friendship and support we had just witnessed. He loves his county boys! We got home and he began to count the money... $100...$200... $500.... $700.... over $800 was in there. Rich cried & cried, and cried. That is an experience we will never forget. Thank you Morrow family & everyone else that had a hand in that experience. We both truly are blessed by all of the wonderful people that are in our lives.

You would have thought that after this fun, hot, busy day that Rich would have been exhausted. However, we were able to continue the fun! We had friends come over for a little fire work show. It was last minute & a blast. It is the little things in life that is so easy to take for granted. It doesn't seem like a big deal to attend a BBQ, or have friends over for fireworks, run errands, mow the lawn, go to work, go camping, bike ride, etc. These things are so easily taken for granted until it becomes an issue. I remember reading on FB how the one of our friends were enjoying their fire pit and roasting marshmallows in the backyard. Something so simple, but that week that would not have even been an option for our family. Savor the time you have with family! Spend time 'doing', on the days you can! Family & friends are what matter! Spend time with them when you can! I say this, however, I must confess that for the past 6 months I would rather just stay home... with my family of course. We have had a lot of fun days, on Richs' healthy days though!

We love our friends! All of them! They really are what has helped us remain so positive! You hold on to the hAppY, FuN days. It reminds you why you continue to stay strong. Don't go away~ this will be a long journey without you! I would say the first three months of this experience were the hardest. Chemo was the worst. Pain was the worst. He had lost 50 pounds and had a heck of a time gaining any back. He looked so sick, and frail. He is stronger now. He isn't in any pain. He struggles during chemo week.

Another haPpY moment was when Wendi (my cousin that has supported him more than imaginable) surprised him at Averi's birthday party with a signed Seattle Seahawks Football! Talk about spoiled. I tease him and tell him to stop pulling the cancer card to get cool stuff! He loves it!!

Keaton had his b~day celebration at the house. We had family over, and Rich did pretty well. We just had to keep the noise level down. Noise chaos drives him nuts. It is too much for him. He can handle noise, but not the noise confusion from a lot of kids in a closed space. Hopefully that will get better.

Averi  had prayed and prayed that her daddy would not have cancer by her birthday. Even though he still had cancer on her birthday, he was able to join the party, that we did the day before, because he was suppose to have chemo ON her birthday. :(  She was heartbroken about this, but understood and was happy he would be at his best on her pre~birthday celebration.

On her actual birthday, he headed out the door with his mom for chemo. I stayed home so I could spoil her rotten. She had a few friends over and we had big plans. But the poor thing didn't feel good, at all! She tried to be OK, but wasn't. We stayed home relaxing and the she got a BIG surprise! Her daddy walked in the door, he didn't have to have chemo after all! Funny~ Looking back I can't remember the reason why. I just know that I never realized how sad she really was about her daddy having chemo on her birthday until he got home. She grabbed onto him and cried! Tear jerker for sure! Heavenly Father couldn't cure him before her birthday, but he made sure he was with her for it.We ended up going bowling, but had to leave early. Even though she wanted to fake healthy, she couldn't pull it off.  Although she ended up with a fever of 103, and was beyond sick and miserable she had a good day. Her daddy was with her. It really is all about the people that surround you in your life. What a good day.           Also~ We have some amazing neighbors. Not only have they fed us, done yard work, etc for us during this time, we had a certain couple that went to Javiers to get Averi her FAVORITE dinner, brought her balloons, cheese cake with candles, etc. It made it perfect! I had planned on spending the day out and about and had nothing for her. No cheesecake (she hates cake) no candles, no balloons, no special food, etc. They (the Coles) made that day easier for me and better for her. We are such a blessed family!

Misti gave this to us.

Another thing, as I am speaking about friends and family helping and being supportive.. Our neighbor Kyle did most of our yard work this summer. Such a load that was lifted. I don't know if he will ever know how much that helped. Rich didn't have to worry about it & I didn't have to do it. Ryan & Kyle got things going for our backyard to be better than it was too! They were able to lay sod, get a big kennel up , etc. It was wonderful! It is wonderful! We also had a few other fundraisers given by friends. One gal, that I have NEVER even met before did a scentsy fundraiser.She donated all profits to us. It was $500. Kyle did a golf tourney! Our friend Paula did one, and made $800. She also told a friend about it and he offered Averi the opportunity to sell his frank formers. She has had good luck with it, and it makes her feel helpful. Another friend did a ZUMBA fundraiser. People are amazing. We are so blessed! Someone made a birthday cake for Averi (some one we have never met) and people from our ward (and old ward) made us dinners, dropped by flowers, cookies, cards, and bigger than all of this we have had a TON of people offer prayers! A bunch of people donated to the Anything For A Friend Fundraiser. One gal (again, never met her) even helped Averi sell Frank formers. She sold 100! A little girl Averi's age made friendship bracelets and wanted to give the money to Rich to help him fight. She said Rich needed the money more than she did. We had never met her, we only knew her daddy from high school. One of Keaton's friends, Tucker, was a HUGE help. She volunteered as a summer camp helper. I could not have done it without her. She also helped me with soccer, again she was a LIFE SAVOR! A guy with his own carpet business came and cleaned our carpets for FREE!  Another guy took our family pictures, for FREE!  A friend of Heidi's donated a family 4 pass to Boondocks so we could go have a fun family day, and we did. It was a blast! I told you that learning to say THANKYOU was such a great lesson for me to learn early on in this journey. We have been given so much love and support through this. It makes it easier to stay positive & appreciate all of the good in our lives, and we have sooo much to be thankful for! If you have offered prayers, support, etc in anyway I thank you! My family appreciates you!

He is a cRaZy driver....

Family time at Boondocks

Rich, winning of course!



Mini Golfing at Boondocks



Another awesome gift/experience we were given was from a friend that Rich works with in South Jordan. He invited us up to his cabin for the weekend. We only went for one night, as we were worried about him over doing it. MISTAKE! We should have gone for the entire time. It was unbelievable.

Nice. Relaxing. Enjoyable. It was just what the Doc ordered. Thank you soo much Pat & Donna. We loved our time there.

BIG MONEY!

Daddy pushing Averi on the rope swing, this place was huge, beautiful, and simply awesome!

This is a picture of Rich with his friend, Pat. They worked together at SOJO. Pat and his wife have been up to visit a few times, it means a lot to Rich to have the support of his friends. Our family had a blast at the cabin, thankyou!