The fall is such a beautiful time. I have always loved the colors, smells, and the cooling temperatures. This fall proves to be different. What I once loved now takes me to a place of pain. It was almost a year ago that we heard the words, "There is nothing more we can do for you." Ten short days later he took his last breath. The thoughts, feelings, and memories keep flooding my mind. It has almost been an entire year without him here with us. On one hand it's unimaginable to think we have lived here without him for that long. We have yearned for his presence. I've craved his touch, his wisdom, love, humor, his strength, and everything else in the middle. I've been a solo parent now for almost 365 days. I've had conversations and he doesn't answer back. I've cried at the thought of what he is missing, and what my children are missing because he is no longer here in the physical form. I've selfishly cried for myself and what I've lost. I'm grieving. I'm mourning. Then why am I happy? I've been given so much, I can't imagine not seeing the blessings I have right under my nose because my grief is too loud. Although my 'sad' is real and is with me every day, and in every minute of that day, I simply can't ignore what I still have here. I have some amazing memories of Rich and I. Cancer will not take those away from me. I didn't grow old with my husband, but i was blessed to grow up with him. Our story is a true love story. Not the kind you see on tv, but a real life love story. I fell in love with him at such a young age and dedicated all of me to loving him through thick and thin.  We loved each other hard. We love each other forever. I refuse to let his passing ruin me, and I'll spend my life helping my children to get through their pain as gracefully as possible. They are strong, beautiful beings. They are his legacy, and they make me proud each day. I know that their struggle will be like mine, a lifetime long. It's my prayer for them that they will figure out how to thrive because of who their dad was, because of who they are, and because of the amazing people in their life. My children are my heartbeat and I'm so grateful that they are healthy and thriving. I have the best family and friends imaginable. The love and support they give to me and my children is humbling, it's inspiring, and has had an amazing impact on my life. I have material things I need and a career I am in love with. My animals give me so much love, and I have a very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. I simply will not let cancer win. He won his fight, we need to win ours.

    Fast forward 14 months... Here I sit on the computer looking through pictures from the funeral and this popped up. I never published it, and its now been two years and two months(almost) since we have been without him. While I read the above I have noticed not too much has changed. My happy is still laced with sad. I am beyond grateful for my blessings and continue to carry a heart full of gratitude. However: I can't help but to wonder what our life would be like if he were here with us.