The house is quiet, Av is at school and Kman is sleeping. I have plenty to do, but I have so many emotions and thoughts as of late, so I thought I would get some out here, and then shower and attack some of my 'to do' list.
Life without Rich is hard. I learned a long time ago, through our journey together that I didn't NEED Rich in my life. I learned that I could stand on my own two feet, and be OK. Even happy. However, I also found that no matter what I did or where I went I always 'wanted' him. I have loved him since I was a baby, almost. 14 is considered baby, right? I am grateful for our past experiences. I needed to learn that I didn't need him in my life. I believe it is a much higher honor and love to want someone, knowing you don't need them. Had I not learned this lesson early on I don't think I could have handled his death the way I have. With that said, I still want him. I hate that our time on earth as a family has ended. He is missed every single day, and will be until I reunite with him.
Going to my counselor I have learned that I am strong enough to not care about what other people think of me, but that I care a great deal about how other's feel. Not how they feel about me, just feel in general. I am very guarded with my emotions because I don't want you to feel sorrow for me. I hide my tears from the children because I don't want to make them sad that I am sad, or to remind them in that moment that we are without their dad. In doing this, I get a long well. I fight through the hard and stay as positive as I can. I keep climbing. When my heart hurts the most is when I think and feel for others. It breaks my heart in a million pieces to imagine the pain my children will endure the rest of their lives. Too young to lose a dad. They were not given a very long time with the man that will love them more than any other man down here. Keaton grew up loving the 'cop' life. He has been exposed to it since birth, and loves it I think as much as his dad. He loves it so much that maybe even without his dad inspiring him, he would still have the desire to become a cop. He is at the age now that he would LOVE to pick his dad's brain about it, go on ride a longs, etc. He is only 18, he is the spitting image of his father, attitude, humor, etc. I hate that their time together is over. . it had only just begun.
Averi was/is daddies little girl. I can relate. I can still relate. 11. She is only 11. Not enough time. He never got to chase the boys away, walk her down the isle, I could go on and on about the things that they are missing out on. It breaks my heart. Another thing that tears my heart in two, is the fact that his time is over. He wasn't finished. He is missing out on so much. They are his world, his pride and joy. His two amazing things he did 'right' and he didn't want it to be over this soon. He loved going to all of their sporting events, and I feel a little sad every time we go, without him. He wanted to see them both graduate, get married, have babies, and have his own naked room! I just pray it is amazing where he is, and that he is happy. My kid's and I try hard every day to be happy and to see all of the good we have, I hope Rich is doing the same. I think we forget that the person that leaves, leaves everyone. He get's to miss his mama, siblings, us, friends, etc. I just hope the gain is worth it all. I can't imagine him being sad. Anyway...
Life around here has been busy. We are starting to get back to every day life. Kman is looking for a second job, as his job doesn't offer enough hours needed to pay his bills and spread his wings and fly. He is enrolling back into school to finish that up. He hopes to do some ride alongs with some of Richs' friends. He had one a few weeks ago, and LOVED it. Where he wants to be a cop changes, but I believe it will happen one day. Even though he isn't doing it 'in honor' of his dad, he is doing it because of his dad, I believe. Rich loved being a cop, and was a good example of that to his son.
Av is back at it with her comp soccer team, piano, and now voice lessons. Soccer and voice are all therapeutic, and I don't care if she does nothing with it, ever. I just hope it helps her with confidence and shows her a good time. Piano is something that she doesn't lOVE but she likes it, and really wants to just play great, now. (haha) We also have therapy once a week to help us thrive in our situation, and a few times a month group therapy. She made a sweet friend there, that lost her mom. Hopefully that will be good for them. I don't know how to help my children to grieve with their loss, but I will continue doing my best.
I still am very low on energy, and often times after teaching and 'doing' for the kiddos I am done. :) I can't wait to take off the bra, put on the pj's, and lay in bed and watch my shows! I push myself further than that now, so that's good. I don't do much with friends... but I have made many new friends actually, and they have been very sweet and supportive. I appreciate them all. I have made a few changes to my house, retail therapy I suppose. I am trying to be smart about the therapy. Had mold issues in my bathroom so it is getting a make over. I still haven't had to buy pet food, laundry detergent, toilet paper, pasta, meat, etc.. since Christmas. We were soo spoiled!!
In two days it will have been 20 weeks since he found his forever peace and left his cancer stricken body and went to be with Heavenly father, and those before him. We miss him more today then yesterday, but we are strong. Together we are doing well. We will keep climbing.
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