Ready or not, Happy New Year...

 
 
 

Happy New Year...

 

Not sure what to think, other than goodbye 2013. A part of me wants to scream at the top of my lungs in celebration, as it was the worst year of my life, to date. Good freaking bye!!!!... But then again I am not ready to welcome in a 'new' year, a year without my husband in it.

 

Luckily, I am not putting much stalk into the new year. It is, after all, just another day. What will be, will be. It is my wish, for you all, that you realize having just another day is a huge gift. As hard as that day may be, may you get through it with love and kindness from others, and see your blessings!

 

My family and I have learned many lessons over the last 12 months, and those lessons have left scars that will last our lifetime. (but so will the lessons learned)

Some most favorite memories of 2013

January~ Richard Blake turned the big 40! His surprise birthday party was such a fun time, I could feel his happiness just by looking at him. So many people were there!

February~ sucked. Not much happy to share that I can recall.

March~ We went to Las Vegas to a Nascar race. It was a lot of fun! Rich went back to work a few days a week!

April~ Went to an Anything For A Friend event. If you have ever been, you understand why it would be something to remember.

May~ We celebrated LIFE! We had a surprise dinner at Bellas for Richard Blake. May 3rd was the year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. We decided to celebrate life rather than sit and HATE that day. Forgive me if I choose to hate it now.

June~ Sucked.

July~ was hard! But we enjoyed celebrating the birthdays of our favorite little people!

August~ the love felt from friends and family having a yard sale for us! AND of course being able to attend the F2TF anything for a friend 5k!

September~ BEAR LAKE!

October~ enjoying the new found energy hub had. He was talking our ears off, inviting friends over, making plans, etc.

November~ enjoying THEE BEST life celebration I had ever been to, ever!!!

December~ Feeling ALL of the love, kindness, and generosity from others. 

Really what I most treasure can't be wrapped up into a 'month', it was time. I loved laying in bed with Rich. We would lay there, hold hands, and talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes we wouldn't even say a word, other times we just watched TV. We both loved to watch Chopped, Friends, Yes Dear, and Revenge together. He was even starting to like Nashville and Parenthood. One of my most favorite things was when all four of us would be laying in bed (or sitting) and just talking, laughing, teasing, etc. You have your kitchen table, we have our bed! I enjoyed sitting on our new deck together, out on the porch, too. We had to soak up the vitamin D on the healthy days. I loved it when Rich was able to go to one of Av's soccer games, and when Rich and Kman were able to go to a movie together. I guess I could ramble on and on about nothing exciting, nothing that would keep a readers interest, yet it was the best memories of the year for me. Life really is all about those small moments that we have with those that we adore. I adore my family and am so grateful for the time that the four of us have had together. I HATE that my children didn't get the time with their dad that they should have gotten, but I am grateful for the time they did have, and that for 18 months Rich was always here. We didn't have to share him, he was all ours!

Happy New Year.

His last moments...

   Watching my husband take his last breath was not something I ever thought I would experience. I guess I always imagined us both being super old, and me going first. I had never seen anyone pass, and I guess, in it's own way, it is very peaceful. However, our sadness was loud and it may have stolen some of that peace from him.It is my hope that he had already 'left' his body and didn't experience the grief with us. I know he had been alert, and aware right up to the very end. I almost left the
room to go get Averi, as she was breaking down in the hall, and he was able to yell 'hon'. That was all he could say, but I believe he didn't want me leaving the room, he knew it was coming. Minutes later, he found his peace. As a family we cried, and held each other. Then, as a family, we found peace in that he was no longer suffering. We all believe that he WON his battle. He fought harder to live than anyone I have ever met, or heard of. His will was so strong, and his attitude was very positive. He inspired so many people by the way he handled his diagnosis, the way he lived, and the way he died. He never ever gave up. Rich became 'saint' like in his last days. His spirit was strong, his faith was unbreakable. He loved with his heart on his sleeve, treated me like a queen, and fell in love with me deeper than I thought anyone could ever love. He spoke words of love to me that I will never forget. When he spoke of wanting more time in the beginning it was, of course, to be with his kids, his wife, and his job. Being a police officer was such a big part of him, and at times I had wondered what was the highest priority, knowing at times, it was the job. One thing he learned while enduring his trial was that although he got great satisfaction from being a police officer, he learned that his time was most important when he was at home with his wife and kids. He prayed for more time on earth to be with us, and his friends. He wanted to watch our kids graduate, get married, have children, laugh one more time with them, beat on them just a little more :), and all the things you want to do with and for your children. He wanted to spend a lifetime of growing old with me, and spoiling me.

He hated that we had missed out on some things because of him being stupid. ((his words, not mine)) He felt that finally I was being loved and treated the way I had always deserved and he wasn't ready for it to end. He worried so much about me, and what his death may do to me. I promised him it wouldn't ruin me. He had taught me to be strong, and that if he was to leave this earth early because of cancer, that I would be T BONE STRONG, and fight everyday to be a good mom to our brats, and to find the happy in things. He worried about me being taken care of... I only hope that he can see us now. ((I know he does see us)) We are being shown much love, and we are doing ok. Things are different, and there is an emptiness that will forever be void. But in honor of him I will continue on, the best that I know how, until I see him again.

After he passed away my house filled with family and friends. It stayed pretty steady all week with family, friends, food, cards, and much love. It was not as hard as I thought it would be preparing his funeral, because I took the sorrow out of it as much as I could. Instead of me looking at it as, I can't believe I have to plan my best friends funeral, I looked at it as, what a gift. I am blessed with being in charge of celebrating his life, and giving him one last BIG celebration, of HIM! The viewing and funeral had lot's of sad parts, but it turned out amazing. I was in awe of all the people.... of the singers... the speakers... the police escort..... the officers.... the ribbons..... all of it equaled the very best tribute and I KNOW he was there, soaking it all in!

 I listen to his funeral now and smile. I smile because it was perfect. I know it made him happy to have been loved by so many, and to see  his life celebration unfold into what it was. Perfection. Even at the graveside when towards the end a slight breeze picked up... Have I ever mentioned that my husband loves the wind? I will never forget our experience of cancer, or lifetime of love, or his life celebration. I have been so blessed to have met this man when I was ten years old. We may not have been fortunate to grow old together, but I am very grateful we grew up together. I love him so much, but his death will not break me. Rich has taught me many lessons, and I am still learning some of them. My favorite that he  taught me is how to be strong, and I will use my strength to live happily, until we reunite for eternity.

I would like to add that before his passing I had never ever seen an orb. Not on any of my pictures, or videos. I see them all the time now... He is with me. I know this. <3