Birthday's and chemo

  On Saturday we had a family birthday party for Averi, minus Keaton. He is off playing hard in California with some friends, lucky kid. Rich was able to attend the party, but not for very long. He just didn't feel well, again. Av was happy he was there for some of the time. It was fun.


 Sunday came... still sick. Monday came, and off to chemo he went. His mama took him. He felt I should stay home to do the things I needed to do for Averi's birthday on Tuesday, and be able to take Av to soccer. I think it is his way of taking something off my plate. Although I really did want to go, I think it worked out well. His mom is a great help, and she took him. I stayed home and cleaned his bathroom and our bedroom. Got it all fresh and clean for him. While at Huntsman they took several hours just trying to relieve him of his awful shoulder/back pain. After 4 doses of IV meds the edge was taken off... talk about stubborn pain! Chemo was only about two hours, which is pretty short compared to the 7 hours he was use to. Tuesday was Averi's actual birthday, and she was spoiled rotten while Rich slept. He had no energy or desire to partake in life, can't blame him. Today, Wednesday he feels like crap. His entire body hurts, he is exhausted, his shoulder pain is full force, he is dehydrated, and emotionally he is run down. He is drinking some water, and just had 1/3 of a turkey sandwich.  Although he still has a fighting spirit about him, he is exhausted of it all. I can't blame him. He doesn't want to let everyone down, but he is ready to take a break from being positive and up-beat. I think he gets a pass. . but we will need you back fighting hard in a few days dear. :) I am really hoping that the yard sale/ fundraiser my cousins are planning will help boost his spirits and give him a little more energy to fight hard.


 Speaking of this fundraiser, how blessed are we! I am so happy to have something to look forward to, for him. It has been a long year, and of course the shock has worn off, it is what it is, life goes on, etc. etc. right? Well, life didn't just 'go on' for us, I mean it did... but not the same way. Which is OK, many tell the same type of stories. We all have trials and things to over come. . So in know way am I trying to paint a sad and pathetic picture. I just wanted to say that even a year later, with life going on as most of you know it, some people are still showing SOO much crazy support. Paula, a friend of ours from high school that we re connected with because of facebook has been there every step of the way.. with prayers, texts, drop ins, she is the one that got Averi the frankformers to sale, she helped at the huge fundraiser, and now she is selling items and donating the money to my hub for his medical. My cousin Wendi would make random meals and treats and deliver them, calls, texts, and has been a huge reason for all the fundraiser's. She just got car decals saying F2TF team tbone, to sell! His brother Brian has also had a hand in the fundraisers, he just fixed our kennel so our dogs can go to jail, offers blessings, checks in, etc. My dad has spent 3 full days here fixing my dumb sprinklers... he fixes everything for us. My mom calls everyday checking in, and offers to help all the time. She also helps with the fundraising. My cousin Heidi has also helped with all the fundraising! She offers to help me all the time. I guess I could go on and on, I won't continue to bore you. :) I must say that some of the people that have been there have surprised me.  We are very blessed. People we barely even know are praying, loving, and supporting us. Even strangers.. strangers are donating items for the sale, praying, and sending emails letting us know we are thought of. It is the littlest things that help refuel me, and I sure hope they refuel him. I love the purple bands, and am thrilled to have a car decal. I hope and pray that others going through cancer have the same support. The support is what helps fight the fight.  Speaking of.. I know a fellow police wife that is fighting for her life right now. She has an amazing support group, including Police Wives Of Utah, which is a group of over 700 loving women. But who couldn't use more... If you pray, please add Spring Hubbard to your prayers. Her journey is another hard one, but I know she will fight hard, just like my husband.

Chemo again..

   Well, we went to see the pain doctor to make sure everything was OK with the pain pump and to figure out what the heck happened. Dr. Brogan said it was a 'fluke' type incident but he did believe it was caused from the pump. He had to lower the dosage. It is better that is lowered because he was starting to get very nauseous from it. Add that to pain, and fatigue and what do you get? One sick husband. He has been doing better with the pain, even the night he was unable to use his pain pump. Guess Heavenly Father knew he really need a break, and some sleep. He did sleep too! He slept most of the next day as well... luckily! He didn't feel good though. Best way to describe it is... the flu. Doc gave us the go ahead for the gorge (wahhoooo) but Rich just wasn't feeling up to it. He tried to fake it, but it was a no go on Monday. Averi had her friend spend the night (the one that was suppose to go with us to the gorge) and I told them we would leave Tuesday if he was feeling better, and if not I would treat them to something fun. Tuesday... same story. Rich was beat down, and getting a sinus thing. (nose a bit swollen, and pressure) But he kept trying. Around 2ish he was game. He knew it would be relaxing once we got there, it was just the drive that was going to be difficult. The girls were bouncing off the walls with excitement. (Kman was not going, he was planning a trip with friends during the same time) I got everyone all packed. Just needed to load it into the car and I hear, "Mom, come here fast!" So I do... and Averi all of a sudden has a migraine and isn't feeling well. I gave her Motrin, past tense do terra oil, ice, and turned off the lights. I told her we would wait it out

to see if she got better. She was soo sad and kept trying to 'fake' health. She gets that from her daddy. Well, needless to say we didn't get to go to Flaming Gorge. She ended up throwing up about 9 times. Poor thing. I slept with her all night, and she was fine, luckily. Today she just feels beat up and is very dehydrated.   Rich and I were talking last night, and as hard as this cancer is, and as bad as I can't stand watching it hurt him, it could be worse. What if we were watching Keaton or Averi go through this? My heart breaks for the parents that have this as their reality. I could barely stand watching her suffer through the flu, or a few weeks ago Keaton was super sick, for TWO weeks. That is a long time to hurt. . for anyone. Especially kids. I hate that cancer is the trial we are faced with but I am grateful to the moon and back that our children are healthy. I am grateful for such wonderful friends and family. We are very blessed!! Flaming Gorge isn't going anywhere, we will make it some other time. Also, a friend of mine offered us to stay in her families cabin in Bear Lake... we have never been but wanted to go this summer so bad. After looking in to the prices we decided we better not. I am so excited!! May I add that she is a fellow police wife that I have never met face to face, yet she has offered such a kind thing. Told you we are blessed! People are amazing. Such kind giving hearts.

   Rich will begin chemo on Monday. I am not certain at this point how he will tolerate it, or how often it will be. We should find out all the deets then. Neither of us are excited, I mean it is chemo for crying out loud. However, we need to shut down the growth in the liver and this treatment feels right to both of us. I am excited for it to kill some cancer!!

  I must add that my son just left to California with three friends. I hate him being 18, what the crap! I am not ready for his wings to fly.. He isn't ready.. :) I am sure of it!! I pray he has the time of his life but comes back home to me in one piece. I couldn't bare it any other way!!!

Just kEeP swimming. .

Wowsa! Besides celebrating 18 wonderful years of having my brat, this week has been from hell. . mostly.

This is how they add morphine to his pump! ouch!

 I already posted about our ER visit on Thursday. On Friday we got in to his pain Dr and we were able to get his morphine in his pump upped to a higher dosage. So now he has a stronger dosage,
which has been a blessing. We both had no sleep for five days. Although he still has pain and he still isn't sleeping well it is a lot better than what it what before. His strong attitude still lives within him, but he is getting beat down mentally. Although, the last few days I have seen a happier him.

Today we went to Huntsman and they read the scan results from the ER visit. The pancreas has stayed the same (WHOOHOOO) but the liver felt the need to grow more lesions and the older ones got a little larger. So... that just means it is time for a different treatment. We WILL find the one that works for him...but the process of elimination gets hard. He will go on chemo next week. It may be a chemo/trial treatment or simply chemo. Pros and cons to both.. He does not want to go on chemo, it really isn't a friendly drug. But the main goal needs to shut this crap down, so he is once again being T-Bone strong and fighting through it. I love this man!! We came home, in good spirits. Just trying to figure out what the best treatment will be. Of course we were not happy with the results, but we were not shocked.

Just waiting to be discharged :)

Tonight around 9 Rich could no longer feel his right side of his body. He got out of bed to use the restroom and fell. His leg decided to poop out. It was scary to say the least. Although he was certain it was some type of malfunction from his pain pump the on call pain Dr told us to head to our local ER to rule out stroke. ScArY? Um, ya!! So off we went. Luckily we were not there too long, and stroke was ruled out right away. The ER Dr agreed it was most likely caused from the pain pump. whew! But now he isn't suppose to use it, and he needs it!! We will head back to Huntsman in the morning to get it looked at. If all goes well we will head to the gorge for a little get a away. If not, we will just go some other time. :)





Once we got home we noticed a FLOOD going on in the back yard. Awesome! Another pipe issue. Last year a bunch of people and $1,000 later we had grass in our yard and it looked great. Due to digging dogs and a few broken pipes we are down to half grass and half dirt. :( But, it is what it is!
We just shut off the main water valve and we are going to bed. Not going to sweat the small stuff! If I do you would need to come visit me in the loony bin!


 ON A HAPPY NOTE, my kiddo dyed her hair to show support for her daddy!! :) It Is purple!!

I know I am a broken record, but we really are good. Happy to be home. Huntsman in the morning again to find out what the crap is going on with the pump. Good night blog followers... if I have any. haha.

Post party

He loves some hospital socks...what he will do for them!

Sometimes we all have emergency's. I hate that word. After Keaton's party we got home and climbed into bed. It was a typical night, filled with some pain. About 3 or 4 am Rich started to get chest pains. I can't even express how bad they are. He endured that pain for literally 9 hours before declaring an emergency room was necessary. It is hard to be the wife, and nurse. The balance is the hard part. I don't want to be mom, but I also don't want him to be dumb (love you honey) and not get help when he needs it. Awhile back he had the same intense chest pain. We actually rushed to the ER and they found nothing, other than the cancer... and then of course you are billed out the wazoo. So this time around he didn't want to go because he felt it would be a waste of time and money. However, I think he forgot about the liquid friend he made there, morphine!! It was a long, hard night. I called Huntsman later that morning ( I pulled the sneaky card) and talked to his nurse about everything that has been going on. They were unable to get him into their acute unit today so she told me to take him to the local ER, they needed to rule out his heart and she also felt his body needed pain meds to rest. Funny thing, after I hung up I got a text from him telling me it would be ok for me to call Huntsman. I knew he would see it my way. :) I guess after nine hours of heart attack pain he was seeing more clearly. So we went. We were there about 4 or 5 hours. Morphine was better than chocolate! I wish we could bring that stuff home with us, in liquid form. His EKG came back splendid. His scans showed no blood clots, which was what they were thinking may had been causing the pain. It did show that his cancer has been growing. But here is the thing, we have no idea how much. They do not have access to Huntsman scans, so they were going off of the September scan.... and we knew it had grown some since then. So they can't tell us how much is has grown. Could it be gigantic? I guess. Could it be about the same as the May 22nd scan, yep! So other than talking about treatments to do we aren't really stressing over it. Stress isn't our friend and won't help anyway. We both just feel that this genepic isn't working and

we would like to switch treatment again. Luckily we still have options, so no need to cry, spit, scream, or yada yada. Options are good. I am ready to find the right treatment for him, I know it is out there. I just hate the process of elimination. Also, the ER Dr. did mention that people with issues such as a bad gallbladder can come in with only pain in the upper back and shoulder. So his pancreas tumor most likely is to blame for the pain.. not an exposed nerve or pinched nerve like we had started to think. Friday he goes in to his pain Dr. at Huntsman and next week he will go back in and see his amazing nurses and his doc to figure out where we are going from here. :) Before we left the ER today I asked them to give him one more dose of the good stuff. It made him feel pretty good. Can you believe that straight from the ER we went to his hair appointment. After that I took him to get a treat, a Lucy's cupcake!

His diet has been so strict and he has such a sweet tooth... I had to do it. Besides it looks like he will be coming off genepic. Although he will still limit his sugar, he deserved a treat! After that we went to DINNER. Yep, we went out to eat. TGIFRIDAYS was verdelish. The pain came back around dinner time, and he still has it now. Although it is manageable right now. If I have to pay to get the good stuff, in liquid form, for my house, I will. :) You would too!      Once we got home we climbed into bed. We watched a show and have just been chatting it up. We are in good spirits. NO need to feel sorry for us, or our situation. If anything, I would love prayers that he finds pain relief and the right treatment for him. OH! I almost forgot, when I got home my niece Heather Bear had brought me some pretty flowers from her yard, and a way thoughtful card. Sweet treat to come home to. Thanks Heather Bear, we love you!!

                       

K man is 18

Yesterday we celebrated Keaton's Happy birthday with family. It was fun, of course it didn't come with out some set backs. Picture this. I am sleep deprived from the night prior due to hubby's rough night of pain. Had to get up early to take Av to soccer training. Come back, did house work. Baked a cake. Took Averi to piano. Ran to get cupcakes. Got home to find out I  needed to run to the clinic to grab meds for Rich (yay, maybe they will help... but they didn't) I head off to the clinic about 6:20, the party is at 7:00. My cell is dead, so could not return a call that was needed for directions to the pool for the party. Get home and the birthday boy is in bed (6:45) and won't get up. Rich is in bed, hurting. I run in to answer a ringing phone only to get a bit of attitude for not making that call that I was suppose to make. Give Rich his meds, wake Keaton again, can't find the pool key (teen had it last) and pack Averi's beach bag up and pack the car with everything needed for the party. Again, it begins at 7:00. Left the house at 7:02, luckily it is a one minute drive.... WHEW! Anyone else ever have crazy days, that are not really crazy but it feels like it? Yes, I did leave without the birthday boy. He came about 30 minutes late. It is hard work waking up after an all day nap. Rich was able to come too. It was nice celebrating with family. We need to do more of that. I can even bring cake every time. :) I have the best family ever!! Happy Birthday Keaton, welcome to adulthood!

Bday boy diving over his sister....

HOPE (2nd post today)

Second update in the same day. I must be amazing. :) I actually wanted to touch base on the word hope. I have a friend that does not believe in that word. She said that it is in replace of the word fear. I have not sat with her and gotten all of her reasoning behind this, but she is the type of person that does research first, and makes a decision second. Although, I am sure this makes much sense to her, but I am soo glad that it doesn't to me. (whew) I use the word hope in my everyday living, even before cancer. Her example was, "I hope I get the job." Really you are saying "I fear I won't get the job." I thought about this, and I see what she means. I get her point. I am also certain that if we spoke more on this topic she would have many more really good examples and she would make sense. But luckily for me I see it completely different. Let me give you an example. "I hope that I am not late." I seriously do not fear of being late, I just really hope I am on time. In her example hope replaces fear. If anything for me in my life fear is replaced with hope. I choose to live in hope everyday, rather than fear. Example. When Rich was being air lifted to the hospital I was filled with all sorts of fear. I could feel me breaking and ready to explode with tears, fear, etc. I said a prayer and was filled with hope. It replaced my fear and I was able to settle down. I was still upset and the drive took forever, but I was feeling something completely different. I felt hope and faith take over my fear. Whew, I am so thankful for hope. If you focus on the 'hope' part of your trial, or your experience,  it has the power to take the fear out of it. I am a firm believer in hope. For this, I am grateful. I hope you do too! I hope Rich is able to kick cancer's butt! I could be consumed with fear that he won't, and sometimes fear does poke in, but luckily hope resides inside that statement 99% of the time and I am able to focus on him just kicking it's butt and believing he will. ;0)  Carry on...

A new day

                
                                                                  So much going on inside my little brain lately. I believe our life is good. I really do. I believe we are blessed beyond measure. I could fill up a pool with tiny papers with all our blessings written inside .For that I am beyond grateful, and I make sure to focus on this every day, and every night. With that all said, and with it all being true, I am ready to kick cancer's ass for him! I am aware that if it was not this trial, it would be another. We are all down here experiencing trials, one after another usually. This is why it is so important to focus on all of the blessings and love we do have, otherwise our trials can consume us and take right over. By stressing, throwing fits, being angry, etc it will only change your life in a negative way. It will not get rid of your trial, it will only make it harder for you to face. So many people focus on the negative. I am happy that naturally I do not do that. With all this being said, I am still so ready to murder cancer in it's face. I hate it, is an understatement. It has certainly been taking it's toll on my family. It has been 14 long months since the diagnosis. Such a long time to be fighting, such a long time to be sick. However, I know It could be worse. He knows it could be worse. That sentence sure does bring comfort, but it doesn't mean it isn't hard. It is hard watching the man you love struggle through this disease. It is hard watching him hurt so bad and there is nothing you can do. It is hard seeing him lay in bed and missing out on everyday living. It is hard watching him be denied his favorite foods. It is hard seeing life around him go on like usual. It is hard seeing the pain in his face. It is hard not being able to open up to each other because we need to be strong for each other. It is hard! Did I mention it is hard? One of the hardest things is when I see the guilt he has for being sick. I hate for him to feel like he is holding us back, slowing us down, or letting us down. He is doing NONE of that!! We all know what he would rather be doing than fighting cancer, but his calling right now is to fight it. So, that is what we want him to do. He is teaching us many lessons while he does this also. His attitude has been so strong, he makes me so proud of him. I could not fight as hard as he does. He has been having a harder time mentally, which has got to be normal. He has been strong for so long. I think he needs to have a big I HATE CANCER party, and get it ALL out. . It will only refill his cup and help him be ready to continue the fight. How do I throw an I HATE CANCER party? I want to do it! .....Heidi? :)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               I am in a mood!                  Last week Rich got on the scale and he is at his all time low, 158 pounds. When I heard this I cried. That is way too low! It made me feel like he is getting sicker. Luckily, this passed. Later that evening I realized it isn't that he is getting sicker, or even weaker. He is being denied so much food and he (we) haven't found that healthy balance of foods he can eat. Plus, a lot of days he has spent in bed and doesn't wake up to eat. I am going to pull the NURSE card a little more and make him eat. :) Breakfast in bed, who doesn't love that. Yesterday I sent Averi up with Tuna and wheat chips. He woke up, and ate. :) I will get him fat!!          The 4th of July was a nice one. H e did not have much strength or energy but we went to his friends annual BBQ. It was awesome to watch them dedicate it to another family fighting a similar battle. Breast Cancer. You may remember me writing about the BBQ last year where his friends made him feel so loved, and supported. I know the love this family had to be feeling. They take the rib contest pretty serious there, it is great to watch. On one of the canopies said T Bone Strong. :) It is those things that stay with both of us during our trials. :)  We didn't stay too long, but it was nice to get out together and for him to see some familiar faces.   Later that night we watched fire works with my neighbor, and my niece. You can see Riverdale Fire Works from our yard, and from a little pond area a block or so away. We went there, and watched. It was fun.. Then yesterday Rich had a GREAT day, I was so happy. He has had a harder 6 weeks and he really needed a normal feeling day. He went with me to get Keaton's Happy BiRtHdAy present, and then we went to Wal Mart and Sams. He did great!  He followed Averi in the car while she ran a mile and a half. It was cute, he was being her little trainer. She has to do it for soccer. A few years back when he was running she would follow him on her bike and chant out, You gotta want it loverboy (haha) and a few other things. He returned the favor last night. Pretty silly. Then he was graced with a night from hell. His pain kicked in around 11 and went STRONG all night long. He took his muscle relaxer, pain meds, muscle rub, ice packs, etc. Nothing worked. He was so tired. I hate nights like that. The pain hits when he is trying to lay down and sleep. Makes me wonder if we should invest in a nice recliner. I will do anything to help him get some pain relief. It is awful. :(   Today is a NEW day, and for that we are grateful! Even if I am whining about our trials.   (PS, my enter is broken on my laptop so I hope you enjoyed my long paragraph)   Have a great day! And please know that even though this trial is hard for my family we are doing well. We are aware of our blessings and count them everyday. We are excited for Keaton's happy 18th birthday tomorrow, and Averi's 11th in a few weeks. Our kids are our world. We are grateful for their health and humor. They can make our hard days, better days. They are hanging in there as well. They keep busy like normal kids. ....They worry, but understand. We all carry hope and faith that this too shall pass. A new day. Each day is a new day and it has the potential to be better than the last, and it also gives us another day creating forever memories with you all.

Ramble of an update

  A few days a go Rich, Averi, and I 'poked' in at the Relay For Life in Box Elder. (Keaton was home sick) It was our first experience at a Relay For Life, and I think it is simply amazing that so many people are willing to donate time, money, etc to such a worthy cause. Cancer is something that affects so many people, and most people know someone close to them that is currently fighting, won, or lost a battle. I am grateful for so many kind people. They had a survivor dinner that we were apart of, and we also were in the first lap of the relay, the survivor lap. I was happy we went, and that Rich felt healthy enough to go. It was hot, but he did great. We stayed for about three hours, and when we left his pain had kicked in and he couldn't get to his meds and bed fast enough. All was well.

  The next day Averi and I volunteered for the Humane Society. They held a dinner fundraiser, and my little Av was a server. Talk about cuteness. Both the boys stayed home and slept sickness away. Kman has had some crazy virus, it has been brutal. Rich was just very tired and enjoyed the rest.

  Sunday was about the same, tired. We were able to go to his moms for dinner. It is always nice to get out.. When we got home Averi and I made cookies for a sweet mom that is enduring complications from chemo. I hate that this awful disease is so cruel, and attacks so many. I want to scream and complain about how unfair it is.. but nothing is fair and cancer isn't the only cruel thing on this earth. It is cruel that 19 fire fighters passed away while fighting a fire. It is cruel that a 16 yr old was killed on I15. It is cruel that my friends baby passed away. It is cruel my other friends toddler passed away. SO MANY CRUEL things all around us. That is why it is so important that we are there for each other as much as we can be, look at all the good and beauty that is around us, laugh as much as our stomachs allow, stop judging others and just love. Together we can do hard things... I can't even imagine going though my trials alone.




My brother in-law ordered some more purple T~Bone Strong bands, he is awesome! One side it reads, T-bone Strong, and on the other side it reads Cancer Sucks! :) Love. Love. He is selling them to try to help us out with medical. Thanks, Brian!! <3  I also heard through the grape vine that friends/family want to have another yard sale for us... People just are too kind. I love the love and that is what strengthens me. Well, that and my faith. This is  picture of my son and a couple of his friends. I happen to notice the purple band he is wearing in honor of my husband. He has had that almost a year and still wears it. It Is the little things...

They are hilarious sleepers. CAN THEY SNUGGLE ANY CLOSER?

  Last week my next door neighbor gave my little girlie a blessing because she has been having a harder time. Her friends mom that passed away a few months back keeps coming to her in her dreams, and sometimes she even thinks she sees her.  She had been sleeping with us for awhile before we really found out why she was wanting to take over our bed, or floor.
The blessing seemed to have helped a lot. I think it is easy to forget that the 'Little's' in our life feel the pain that we do, but they don't know how to express it. She will be okay, as we all will be. Why? Because of our faith, and because of all the caring and kind people that continue to remember us. Thank you!!



  Today is Monday, we are calling it our lazy day. I think I am getting sick, Keaton still is sick, Averi is going with the flow, and Rich is nauseous and blah. I think I will go rent some movies and we can have a fun day chilling. Better than going out in the heat anyway. Take care everyone!!

  Have a great week! Christel