Dedicated to BECKY ANDERSON

  Some people just have what it takes to make you believe, in case you ever had any question. Let me share a little story. A few years ago, before my husbands diagnosis we went to a baptism. A lady

spoke that day that left Rich and I in complete 'awe'. I can't really even tell you what she said, but I can tell you how we both felt when we left. You see, this was a rare experience for us, because we both 'claim' to having a hard time feeling the spirit. Funny thing is, when one did, the other one usually did as well. This day was no exception. However; Rich was touched on a deeper level, one that I didn't fully understand. I don't know if he understood it either. We didn't see her again... until...

   So fast forwarding to Rich's cancer journey. I have mentioned how amazing the organization is, Anything For A Friend, you remember? If not, scroll back, they aren't to be forgotten. Anyway, a bunch of volunteers were meeting (again) at Kae's house, and we were asked to attend. We both had wanted to in the past but his health and my anxieties had stopped us both. It is hard to explain what it feels like to be on the receiving end of something so huge. This was the first meeting we had attended, and Becky was there. When Rich saw her, and realized she was the reason this entire fundraiser was able to take place, and placed her back at the baptism those few years back, he was... over come with emotion. I had to leave early, because Averi was sick and I needed to get her into the doctor. Apparently I missed out on a very inspiring, and heart felt message given by Becky that evening, and given by my amazing husband. He told everyone how his path had actually crossed hers once before, and how inspired he had been. In fact when he began telling the story she had no idea it was about her, I mean why would she? We hadn't even met her, but yet she left him with these super strong feelings that he couldn't explain.  These two have a connection, one I can't even begin to explain, as I myself don't really understand. I love hearing about it from Becky, because I have already heard it from Rich, and I LOVE knowing that they both felt it. I believe they were friends on the other side, and their paths were meant to cross. She was able to lift him when he was down, inspire him when he needed it, and give him faith just by looking into her eyes. Rich and I have a few people we refer to as 'spiritual giants', and Becky being one of them. When I grow up, I would LOVE to be just like her!

  Becky has her very own personal cancer journey, and she endured so much. She shares her story, and inspires. She builds people up, she comforts them, she can light up a room with her smile. She has a HUGE giving heart, and is truly a spiritual giant, an inspiration, and proudly I can call her my friend. I feel very blessed that she came into our lives, and she blessed my husband with so much. I will never really know all he got from her, and her him. I do know that Heavenly Father does have a plan, and that meeting was not by accident.

   Becky came by to see Rich on Wednesday, four days before he passed away. She gave him his hope back, and he had purpose again. See, he had gone on Hospice the previous week and it didn't sit well with him, at all. He wasn't here to accept 'comfort care' because he wasn't finished fighting his fight. He.Had.More. She called her doctor and had him an appointment with her oncologist for the coming Monday, October 28th. We were meeting there ((and Ann, Tyler Smiths mama was going to come with us as well)) She read a few scriptures with us, they shared some herbal tea, and she gave us all 'stress' rocks to help with all we were facing. Rich went off hospice the very next day. I read the email he sent to her that day... I AM OFF HOSPICE, NOW WHAT? It felt so good to him to take his control back. That Thursday was a jam packed day, visitors galore.

  I didn't see it coming. I was blinded. How could I have been so blinded? I watched him become a shell of what he once was. I saw his bones. Hip sockets. Tubes. Swollen feet. Extended belly. I didn't see it coming, not this soon. Not Sunday.

  I don't know who told Becky... Was it me? So many things have become a blurr. I asked her to speak at his funeral, and I will be FOREVER grateful that I did, and that she did. Wow.

  Last night a friend of mine invited me to her relief society meeting... BECKY was the speaker. I was super excited to go. I knew she would have something that I needed to hear. Although I haven't been to an actual church in quite sometime, and although I have never felt super comfortable when I do attend, I miss it. I knew it would be hard going to an unfamiliar ward, and with a super sweet friend, but one that I am still getting to know, and assuming emotions would be on my sleeve, oh and let us not forget to take into account that I do suffer from some awesome social anxieties, I HAPPILY WENT! I loved being there. Not only was Sommer so much fun to be with, and get to know more, but Becky brought her usual awesome, uplifting, spiritual self. :) I learned things about her that broke my heart, and I was

inspired even more. I learned some things yesterday being with her, that I needed to learn. She did that for me. Sommer did that for me. Maybe Rich even did that for me. I am blessed beyond measure with angels all around me. I have them from both sides of the veil, and I will build myself back up again. I will be better, and do better.

  I would like to also add that although my support group is amazingly HUGE, I find it difficult to be real with actual 'current' emotion with others. I can 'tell' you what I felt yesterday, last week, or even this morning, but I am not really able to lean on someone, in that moment, feel vulnerable with them, cry with them, and just be.  Becky, I am more 'moment real' with you ((for some reason)) than I have been with anyone, in a really long time. I know that from the tears rolling down my cheek during our conversation. I haven't done that with anyone since he left me almost 11 weeks ago, and not very many times before that, So thank you!

 

   Becky, thank you for loving Rich, and for all of the amazing work you do here on this earth. Please know that I want to help you with your organization in anyway you need. Thank you for all you have given to me, my children, and my entire family. I don't think you  have even a tiny idea of what you do for others. Now take a little time to sit at the feet, your dishes will be there when you are done. I love you!!   

1/6/14

 

Today marks the first 'real' day back to a routine since the loss of my hubby. Although my son and I have been back to work, my daughter hasn't resumed back to her schedule until now. She has tried a few days, but I think today will be the day. She was nervous all night, and didn't sleep too much. This morning she got right up, didn't complain of any bellyaches, or fears. I hope she was excited to go be with her friends. Her school (the staff, parents, and kids) has been super supportive. More than I would have even imagined. I am very grateful for them, and have been since her transfer in third grade. I will be sad when she has to leave, as we just found out that they won't be having a 7th and 8th grade. :(  This week she will also go back to piano... I think she could have gone back to that awhile ago, but I haven't had the desire to drive her. Reality hits hard this week, with routine, homework, and the 'must get it done' things. I hope it is a good thing, for us all.

  We begin some counseling this week, and some group sessions next week. It isn't easy going forward after someone so important to you leaves, and I am hoping to give us all some ways of dealing with it the very best we can.

  I have been feeling a little more anxious lately, with my social anxieties. I am not sure why, but I did initiate a friend lunch today. :) I am going to try my very best to 'get out' of my comfort zone, and push myself, but I am also 100% ok with my 'home body' lazy days. I look forward to them a little too much, so going out is great too!

  It hasn't even been an hour that she has been at school.... I miss her! She drives me bonkers sometimes, but she has been my sidekick over the last ten weeks and I will feel the change for sure. We spend almost every second together, she still sleeps with me, on daddy's side of the bed & she is my 'date' if we leave the house. Maybe I could go wake up my teen.... haha! That could get ugly, since it's not even noon yet! Keat has been a comfort most of the time, and makes me proud. He hasn't had a lot of motivation either, but he is getting better. He has been working a lot more, and he likes to keep busy with his friends. We get comfort by talking about his dad, but I know it is a 'bitter sweet'. Sometimes he just wants to sit down and talk with dad. We all do! They enjoy all the same sport teams, and the Seahawks are doing great right now. We hate that he isn't here to cheer them on, and talk 'hawk talk' with Keaton.

  Well, I am done blogging for today. I hope that on this first Monday of the New Year that you are all able to find your 'happy' or your 'blessings'. Today really is a gift. Like it or not, unwrap it carefully and be grateful for it, as someone else gave all they had to be able to have this day but it was taken from them. We can fight the funk together!!

3 days in...

 New years eve was actually harder than Christmas. Strange? Maybe...

 

This year for Christmas my family was spoiled beyond the word spoiled. A bunch of family and friends got together ((before hub even passed away)) and decided to give 'Christel and Rich a Christmas of LOVE... and that they did. We were gifted sooo much food, and all three of us were spoiled with gifts. Big gifts. small gifts. Sentimental gifts. Fun gifts. So so much... I think all three of us were in shock. I had an entire house full of people, so many I didn't even get to talk to half of them. If you had a hand in it, in anyway, THANK YOU!! My children were both given the opportunity to 'shop with a cop' in Brigham also. At first I felt uneasy about it... I mean, my children didn't 'need' it like the others. Well, apparently the gal over it was the one that chose them and just wanted to do something to make them feel loved, and to have a little better Christmas. It worked. My kids both really enjoyed it. Blessings are all around us, all of us. I am so grateful for them!!

 

On Christmas eve we went to my dads, it's a family tradition. It was, like always, a good time. I did feel the loss of Rich the entire time I was there. He would have loved to have been there. Certain things that were said, or that happened made me think of him, etc. But overall it went well. When we got home, I was exhausted. I don't sleep well anymore. My mom spent the night with us, and was up for a late night party. I had to shut her down by one, I was BEAT! Christmas was fine. It really helps to wrap yourself up in the happiness of your children. I think they enjoyed their gifts. Some of them included pillow cases and blankets with their dad on them. We had fun sharing stories of the previous years with Rich. Sometimes it is the simple things that make you notice he is gone. Like sitting at his moms dinner table and noticing the shrimp and potato salad, both a favorite of his. He was missed. He is missed. He is remembered. But together, we made it the very best we could... and it was good.

    New Years Eve... felt empty. My son was out with friends, and my daughter declined an offer to be with friends, so she could be with me. I had no desire to PaRtY, or do anything really. But we kept up the family tradition of junk food, board games, sparkling cider, and watching the ball drop. Av and I played Clue, and Sorry. . it felt so different. Rich's humor was missed, and his competitiveness. He never just 'let the girls win'! JeRk! haha. In one way I was happy to see the year end, but in reality how can I even imagine a new year without him?!  Jan 1st was not my favorite day. I pretty much just laid around listening to music and feeling empty. . yesterday was a slight repeat. Today has been better. I think that looking at the entire YEAR rather than just that minute, hour, or day, has been the real issue. We all can get through a minute, right? But maybe not an entire year! Duh! One bite at a time... that is how I eat all the ice cream, so I shouldn't do this any different! ;)

 I have had so many people tell me how inspiring I am...  Thank you. Please don't think that my world is full of happy, perfect suffering, or mourning. I too am human and am probably not any stronger than anyone else. My story has made me strong, I was not born this way. In fact, I am a bit of a wuss!
My day consist of usual every day trials, like running out of dog food and you have zero desire to go to the store to get it, so you ask your teen to get it on his way home, and he doesn't. Or how you try so hard to get your little girl to go back to school, but with all her might she just can't do it. Or how exhausted I am but still I lay in bed wide awake... thinking. I have things to get done, like over Christmas break I needed to clean/disinfect my preschool and with each area I cleaned I kept telling myself as soon as I finished that spot I could go take a break. Depression is real. I know I am depressed. Even though I am beyond positive each day, and very much aware of all of our blessings, and am truly grateful for them, my heart is sad. I lost my very best friend. I miss him everyday. Every single day! I know that this is why it takes everything I have to get out of bed, shower, and get something done in that day. I don't have super low days, but I don't have super high days either. I am in a funk. BUT!!!! I know that it won't last forever, and I am very grateful for the faith and attitude I have because I can only imagine going through this without it. Even though it is hard, I do get out of bed, and I do accomplish something on most days. ((I also give myself permission to have pj, lazy days)) I will continue to move forward, even on the days that I feel like I can't. Because, I CAN! You can too! Please know that if you are going through a hard time, it will get better. You have to be in charge of your attitude, as it is one of the only things we can actually control.  Push through what ever your obstacle is. Rich taught me, that no matter what, it really is only temporary.

  He suffered so much, so I know we can endure through this. I may not make it look as easy as he did, and it may get a little messy, but my children and I will rise above this, and do good things because of it.