Life Is Hard

So, as I sit here typing this blog my hubby is sleeping upstairs. He is sleeping off chemo #12. It has been a difficult experience for sure. Watching the man you love fight off such a terrible disease is hard. It taught me that life is hard. I never understood that short sentence until the last six months. I have gone through hard times, but life is what you make it. If you can have a positive attitude it will help you soo much. Although things had been hard before I always thought that  life isn't that hard, it's all in the attitude. I think differently now... just a little bit. I still truly believe that life is what you make it. You are in charge of how you react to what life hands you. Keeping a positive attitude can change your life. However, I do now understand that LIFE IS HARD! Even though I love life and treasure it. Even though I see my blessings and am grateful for them all, everyday. Even though things could be SOOO much worse, even with all of that... LIFE. IS. HARD.

We found out Rich had cancer May 3rd. About a month later we lost our dog, Bo. We LOVED that dog SOOO much. We were heart broken. Rich was too sick & weak to take him to the vet, so I did. We had to have him put down. We were already having such a hard time and this really took us over the top. LIFE.IS.HARD Within the next two months we also lost a cat & a guinea pig. LIFE.IS.HARD. We stayed strong! We stayed positve. We still had more blessing than not, so we kept on keeping on. :)

Even though I say life is hard, I am not saying it isn't good, or that it isn't a blessing in itself. I just mean that it is hard for so many people. I have been fighting off some anxiety issues and even got put on some medicine to help. I think it has. I have also done a few other things to help me. I painted my kitchen, with the help of Heather Bear & Angie. Sounds so simple but it really did help me. It was a distraction. Sometimes we need a little distraction, nothing wrong with that. Another thing I did was I got a pUpPy. Crazy~ I know! I already have a cute dog that is CrAzY and into everything. He is super strong and I have lost all control of that mutt. I even tried finding him a new home after Richs' diagnosis. I was so overwhelmed and he kept breaking the fence and getting out. Rich was unable to help and I felt awful that the neighbor was doing most of the fence fixing. My plate was so full that I thought finding him a new home was the answer. He was gone for a LONG 12 hours and they brought him back, haha. It worked out for the best because he belongs here! Anyway~ Yes I got me a new puppy. I called her my new happy! I am excited to say that she was the distraction this family needed. (or at least what I needed) It helped Averi and I to focus on something that wasn't cancer related. It got us outside into the fresh air and kept me out of bed. Her name is Layla, and she is still my happy.

Meet Layla Bee

Her first day with us, at Walmart buying her all her stuff!

AWE! Adorable!



Zeus, so glad he came back! We love our Zoopy! Furry friends love us no matter what!



I guess I found my hApPy in many things! Again, it really has been a choice. When you get dealt hard things you can react in so many ways. The situation is what it is, so you might as well go through the experience the best way you can. Like I have said, my entire family has been very postitve. We have had so much faith. No one thinks this is the end for my hubby, we truly believe this is another climb to make us who we are suppose to be. With that said, don't get me wrong, I struggle. Although I am happy, and LOVE my life & family I struggle. Often I don't have the desire to do everyday chores, like clean, cook, laundry, etc. It's like I can't wait to get my MUST Do's finished so I can go lay in bed with Rich or zone out and watch tv. I am getting better now... thankfully. Some say it may be depression, but I don't feel depressed. I know stress can do a number on one's body & although I don't feel a lot of stress I know it is there. My body is different. More aches, etc. But that's ok. Hard to complain when you see your husband to sick to even get out of bed. :(  I think the hardest parts of this experience is holding Averi when she cries out of empathy for dad. Watching Rich get so sick. Not knowing what is to come. Luckily we have eachother to lean on (even though we are iron tough and don't lean too much on eachother emotionally) & all of our haPpY blessings to keep us focused and well. And again, we have all of our amazing extended family and friends to help us as well. Although~ For some reason through this I haven't really shared much with my friends or family. Usually, in the past, I would call a girlfriend and vent and then I would feel so much better. All would be well with the world again. This experience is different. I know Rich (in the begining) really wanted me to talk to a conselor, just to help me sort out the emotions etc. I didn't want to. I feel like talking won't help, it won't change anything and it won't make me feel better. It is what it is, no one can change that. I found my relief (my outlet) to be playing with Layla, painting my kitchen, following the fundraisers friends/family did, laying in bed with him, spending time with my kids, watching tv, and just doing rather than talking. Even if 'doing' meant playing on FB from my bed. It is what worked for me. So if you are a friend/family member and you feel like I didn't open up with you please don't take it personal. If you offered to be there for me, it mattered. So thankyou! I valued family time before cancer and didn't think I could value it more. I was wrong. If you need me, I will be with my family... come on over!



I love you forever!





Just chilling in bed together!

Relaxing with family, in the gardern!