3 days in...

 New years eve was actually harder than Christmas. Strange? Maybe...

 

This year for Christmas my family was spoiled beyond the word spoiled. A bunch of family and friends got together ((before hub even passed away)) and decided to give 'Christel and Rich a Christmas of LOVE... and that they did. We were gifted sooo much food, and all three of us were spoiled with gifts. Big gifts. small gifts. Sentimental gifts. Fun gifts. So so much... I think all three of us were in shock. I had an entire house full of people, so many I didn't even get to talk to half of them. If you had a hand in it, in anyway, THANK YOU!! My children were both given the opportunity to 'shop with a cop' in Brigham also. At first I felt uneasy about it... I mean, my children didn't 'need' it like the others. Well, apparently the gal over it was the one that chose them and just wanted to do something to make them feel loved, and to have a little better Christmas. It worked. My kids both really enjoyed it. Blessings are all around us, all of us. I am so grateful for them!!

 

On Christmas eve we went to my dads, it's a family tradition. It was, like always, a good time. I did feel the loss of Rich the entire time I was there. He would have loved to have been there. Certain things that were said, or that happened made me think of him, etc. But overall it went well. When we got home, I was exhausted. I don't sleep well anymore. My mom spent the night with us, and was up for a late night party. I had to shut her down by one, I was BEAT! Christmas was fine. It really helps to wrap yourself up in the happiness of your children. I think they enjoyed their gifts. Some of them included pillow cases and blankets with their dad on them. We had fun sharing stories of the previous years with Rich. Sometimes it is the simple things that make you notice he is gone. Like sitting at his moms dinner table and noticing the shrimp and potato salad, both a favorite of his. He was missed. He is missed. He is remembered. But together, we made it the very best we could... and it was good.

    New Years Eve... felt empty. My son was out with friends, and my daughter declined an offer to be with friends, so she could be with me. I had no desire to PaRtY, or do anything really. But we kept up the family tradition of junk food, board games, sparkling cider, and watching the ball drop. Av and I played Clue, and Sorry. . it felt so different. Rich's humor was missed, and his competitiveness. He never just 'let the girls win'! JeRk! haha. In one way I was happy to see the year end, but in reality how can I even imagine a new year without him?!  Jan 1st was not my favorite day. I pretty much just laid around listening to music and feeling empty. . yesterday was a slight repeat. Today has been better. I think that looking at the entire YEAR rather than just that minute, hour, or day, has been the real issue. We all can get through a minute, right? But maybe not an entire year! Duh! One bite at a time... that is how I eat all the ice cream, so I shouldn't do this any different! ;)

 I have had so many people tell me how inspiring I am...  Thank you. Please don't think that my world is full of happy, perfect suffering, or mourning. I too am human and am probably not any stronger than anyone else. My story has made me strong, I was not born this way. In fact, I am a bit of a wuss!
My day consist of usual every day trials, like running out of dog food and you have zero desire to go to the store to get it, so you ask your teen to get it on his way home, and he doesn't. Or how you try so hard to get your little girl to go back to school, but with all her might she just can't do it. Or how exhausted I am but still I lay in bed wide awake... thinking. I have things to get done, like over Christmas break I needed to clean/disinfect my preschool and with each area I cleaned I kept telling myself as soon as I finished that spot I could go take a break. Depression is real. I know I am depressed. Even though I am beyond positive each day, and very much aware of all of our blessings, and am truly grateful for them, my heart is sad. I lost my very best friend. I miss him everyday. Every single day! I know that this is why it takes everything I have to get out of bed, shower, and get something done in that day. I don't have super low days, but I don't have super high days either. I am in a funk. BUT!!!! I know that it won't last forever, and I am very grateful for the faith and attitude I have because I can only imagine going through this without it. Even though it is hard, I do get out of bed, and I do accomplish something on most days. ((I also give myself permission to have pj, lazy days)) I will continue to move forward, even on the days that I feel like I can't. Because, I CAN! You can too! Please know that if you are going through a hard time, it will get better. You have to be in charge of your attitude, as it is one of the only things we can actually control.  Push through what ever your obstacle is. Rich taught me, that no matter what, it really is only temporary.

  He suffered so much, so I know we can endure through this. I may not make it look as easy as he did, and it may get a little messy, but my children and I will rise above this, and do good things because of it.

Ready or not, Happy New Year...

 
 
 

Happy New Year...

 

Not sure what to think, other than goodbye 2013. A part of me wants to scream at the top of my lungs in celebration, as it was the worst year of my life, to date. Good freaking bye!!!!... But then again I am not ready to welcome in a 'new' year, a year without my husband in it.

 

Luckily, I am not putting much stalk into the new year. It is, after all, just another day. What will be, will be. It is my wish, for you all, that you realize having just another day is a huge gift. As hard as that day may be, may you get through it with love and kindness from others, and see your blessings!

 

My family and I have learned many lessons over the last 12 months, and those lessons have left scars that will last our lifetime. (but so will the lessons learned)

Some most favorite memories of 2013

January~ Richard Blake turned the big 40! His surprise birthday party was such a fun time, I could feel his happiness just by looking at him. So many people were there!

February~ sucked. Not much happy to share that I can recall.

March~ We went to Las Vegas to a Nascar race. It was a lot of fun! Rich went back to work a few days a week!

April~ Went to an Anything For A Friend event. If you have ever been, you understand why it would be something to remember.

May~ We celebrated LIFE! We had a surprise dinner at Bellas for Richard Blake. May 3rd was the year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. We decided to celebrate life rather than sit and HATE that day. Forgive me if I choose to hate it now.

June~ Sucked.

July~ was hard! But we enjoyed celebrating the birthdays of our favorite little people!

August~ the love felt from friends and family having a yard sale for us! AND of course being able to attend the F2TF anything for a friend 5k!

September~ BEAR LAKE!

October~ enjoying the new found energy hub had. He was talking our ears off, inviting friends over, making plans, etc.

November~ enjoying THEE BEST life celebration I had ever been to, ever!!!

December~ Feeling ALL of the love, kindness, and generosity from others. 

Really what I most treasure can't be wrapped up into a 'month', it was time. I loved laying in bed with Rich. We would lay there, hold hands, and talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes we wouldn't even say a word, other times we just watched TV. We both loved to watch Chopped, Friends, Yes Dear, and Revenge together. He was even starting to like Nashville and Parenthood. One of my most favorite things was when all four of us would be laying in bed (or sitting) and just talking, laughing, teasing, etc. You have your kitchen table, we have our bed! I enjoyed sitting on our new deck together, out on the porch, too. We had to soak up the vitamin D on the healthy days. I loved it when Rich was able to go to one of Av's soccer games, and when Rich and Kman were able to go to a movie together. I guess I could ramble on and on about nothing exciting, nothing that would keep a readers interest, yet it was the best memories of the year for me. Life really is all about those small moments that we have with those that we adore. I adore my family and am so grateful for the time that the four of us have had together. I HATE that my children didn't get the time with their dad that they should have gotten, but I am grateful for the time they did have, and that for 18 months Rich was always here. We didn't have to share him, he was all ours!

Happy New Year.

His last moments...

   Watching my husband take his last breath was not something I ever thought I would experience. I guess I always imagined us both being super old, and me going first. I had never seen anyone pass, and I guess, in it's own way, it is very peaceful. However, our sadness was loud and it may have stolen some of that peace from him.It is my hope that he had already 'left' his body and didn't experience the grief with us. I know he had been alert, and aware right up to the very end. I almost left the
room to go get Averi, as she was breaking down in the hall, and he was able to yell 'hon'. That was all he could say, but I believe he didn't want me leaving the room, he knew it was coming. Minutes later, he found his peace. As a family we cried, and held each other. Then, as a family, we found peace in that he was no longer suffering. We all believe that he WON his battle. He fought harder to live than anyone I have ever met, or heard of. His will was so strong, and his attitude was very positive. He inspired so many people by the way he handled his diagnosis, the way he lived, and the way he died. He never ever gave up. Rich became 'saint' like in his last days. His spirit was strong, his faith was unbreakable. He loved with his heart on his sleeve, treated me like a queen, and fell in love with me deeper than I thought anyone could ever love. He spoke words of love to me that I will never forget. When he spoke of wanting more time in the beginning it was, of course, to be with his kids, his wife, and his job. Being a police officer was such a big part of him, and at times I had wondered what was the highest priority, knowing at times, it was the job. One thing he learned while enduring his trial was that although he got great satisfaction from being a police officer, he learned that his time was most important when he was at home with his wife and kids. He prayed for more time on earth to be with us, and his friends. He wanted to watch our kids graduate, get married, have children, laugh one more time with them, beat on them just a little more :), and all the things you want to do with and for your children. He wanted to spend a lifetime of growing old with me, and spoiling me.

He hated that we had missed out on some things because of him being stupid. ((his words, not mine)) He felt that finally I was being loved and treated the way I had always deserved and he wasn't ready for it to end. He worried so much about me, and what his death may do to me. I promised him it wouldn't ruin me. He had taught me to be strong, and that if he was to leave this earth early because of cancer, that I would be T BONE STRONG, and fight everyday to be a good mom to our brats, and to find the happy in things. He worried about me being taken care of... I only hope that he can see us now. ((I know he does see us)) We are being shown much love, and we are doing ok. Things are different, and there is an emptiness that will forever be void. But in honor of him I will continue on, the best that I know how, until I see him again.

After he passed away my house filled with family and friends. It stayed pretty steady all week with family, friends, food, cards, and much love. It was not as hard as I thought it would be preparing his funeral, because I took the sorrow out of it as much as I could. Instead of me looking at it as, I can't believe I have to plan my best friends funeral, I looked at it as, what a gift. I am blessed with being in charge of celebrating his life, and giving him one last BIG celebration, of HIM! The viewing and funeral had lot's of sad parts, but it turned out amazing. I was in awe of all the people.... of the singers... the speakers... the police escort..... the officers.... the ribbons..... all of it equaled the very best tribute and I KNOW he was there, soaking it all in!

 I listen to his funeral now and smile. I smile because it was perfect. I know it made him happy to have been loved by so many, and to see  his life celebration unfold into what it was. Perfection. Even at the graveside when towards the end a slight breeze picked up... Have I ever mentioned that my husband loves the wind? I will never forget our experience of cancer, or lifetime of love, or his life celebration. I have been so blessed to have met this man when I was ten years old. We may not have been fortunate to grow old together, but I am very grateful we grew up together. I love him so much, but his death will not break me. Rich has taught me many lessons, and I am still learning some of them. My favorite that he  taught me is how to be strong, and I will use my strength to live happily, until we reunite for eternity.

I would like to add that before his passing I had never ever seen an orb. Not on any of my pictures, or videos. I see them all the time now... He is with me. I know this. <3