3 days in...

 New years eve was actually harder than Christmas. Strange? Maybe...

 

This year for Christmas my family was spoiled beyond the word spoiled. A bunch of family and friends got together ((before hub even passed away)) and decided to give 'Christel and Rich a Christmas of LOVE... and that they did. We were gifted sooo much food, and all three of us were spoiled with gifts. Big gifts. small gifts. Sentimental gifts. Fun gifts. So so much... I think all three of us were in shock. I had an entire house full of people, so many I didn't even get to talk to half of them. If you had a hand in it, in anyway, THANK YOU!! My children were both given the opportunity to 'shop with a cop' in Brigham also. At first I felt uneasy about it... I mean, my children didn't 'need' it like the others. Well, apparently the gal over it was the one that chose them and just wanted to do something to make them feel loved, and to have a little better Christmas. It worked. My kids both really enjoyed it. Blessings are all around us, all of us. I am so grateful for them!!

 

On Christmas eve we went to my dads, it's a family tradition. It was, like always, a good time. I did feel the loss of Rich the entire time I was there. He would have loved to have been there. Certain things that were said, or that happened made me think of him, etc. But overall it went well. When we got home, I was exhausted. I don't sleep well anymore. My mom spent the night with us, and was up for a late night party. I had to shut her down by one, I was BEAT! Christmas was fine. It really helps to wrap yourself up in the happiness of your children. I think they enjoyed their gifts. Some of them included pillow cases and blankets with their dad on them. We had fun sharing stories of the previous years with Rich. Sometimes it is the simple things that make you notice he is gone. Like sitting at his moms dinner table and noticing the shrimp and potato salad, both a favorite of his. He was missed. He is missed. He is remembered. But together, we made it the very best we could... and it was good.

    New Years Eve... felt empty. My son was out with friends, and my daughter declined an offer to be with friends, so she could be with me. I had no desire to PaRtY, or do anything really. But we kept up the family tradition of junk food, board games, sparkling cider, and watching the ball drop. Av and I played Clue, and Sorry. . it felt so different. Rich's humor was missed, and his competitiveness. He never just 'let the girls win'! JeRk! haha. In one way I was happy to see the year end, but in reality how can I even imagine a new year without him?!  Jan 1st was not my favorite day. I pretty much just laid around listening to music and feeling empty. . yesterday was a slight repeat. Today has been better. I think that looking at the entire YEAR rather than just that minute, hour, or day, has been the real issue. We all can get through a minute, right? But maybe not an entire year! Duh! One bite at a time... that is how I eat all the ice cream, so I shouldn't do this any different! ;)

 I have had so many people tell me how inspiring I am...  Thank you. Please don't think that my world is full of happy, perfect suffering, or mourning. I too am human and am probably not any stronger than anyone else. My story has made me strong, I was not born this way. In fact, I am a bit of a wuss!
My day consist of usual every day trials, like running out of dog food and you have zero desire to go to the store to get it, so you ask your teen to get it on his way home, and he doesn't. Or how you try so hard to get your little girl to go back to school, but with all her might she just can't do it. Or how exhausted I am but still I lay in bed wide awake... thinking. I have things to get done, like over Christmas break I needed to clean/disinfect my preschool and with each area I cleaned I kept telling myself as soon as I finished that spot I could go take a break. Depression is real. I know I am depressed. Even though I am beyond positive each day, and very much aware of all of our blessings, and am truly grateful for them, my heart is sad. I lost my very best friend. I miss him everyday. Every single day! I know that this is why it takes everything I have to get out of bed, shower, and get something done in that day. I don't have super low days, but I don't have super high days either. I am in a funk. BUT!!!! I know that it won't last forever, and I am very grateful for the faith and attitude I have because I can only imagine going through this without it. Even though it is hard, I do get out of bed, and I do accomplish something on most days. ((I also give myself permission to have pj, lazy days)) I will continue to move forward, even on the days that I feel like I can't. Because, I CAN! You can too! Please know that if you are going through a hard time, it will get better. You have to be in charge of your attitude, as it is one of the only things we can actually control.  Push through what ever your obstacle is. Rich taught me, that no matter what, it really is only temporary.

  He suffered so much, so I know we can endure through this. I may not make it look as easy as he did, and it may get a little messy, but my children and I will rise above this, and do good things because of it.